If you’ve ever been curious about the student life of one of the most obnoxious College Sports teams in history, Our Social Chair Brandon Francis for the tfmDuke account polled his student body for their best (and also worst) hookup stories. During the polling of this campus we discovered that shockingly, sexual intercourse had occurred at least 6 times on Duke’s campus.
I know some of you are thinking that at a school as prestigious as Duke, we’re just a bunch of virgins. You could not possibly be more correct. In fact, like 90% of the freshmen population come in as virgins Most hookup stories here are pretty lame, following the format of some son-of-a-fortune 500 douchebag cumming prematurely and having to drop pocket change from his allowance on Plan B the next morning. Every now and then however, you get a dime of a story, and here are some of the sexscapades that made me do a double take:
The first submission was a poor dude who was trying to get the good old rub and tug, but instead had to go to the hospital because of second degree friction burns on his dick. Chick rubbed too hard and burned the skin right off his penis. Imagine one of those Indian burns that those weird kids in second grade used to give you (except hopefully not on your cock). A dry handjob is just as fun as eating a bowl of cheerios with piss in them. In essence, not a great time. Handjobs in general are pretty overrated in my opinion. You cannot spank my monkey better than I can.
This occurrence actually happened to a good buddy of mine. After splitting with his girl, he, like any other reasonably horny male in college, looked to Tinder for comfort. There he met a girl who was the worst type of virgin, the kind that had not done anything before. She would eventually go down on him for about an hour, and after he busted in her mouth, she said “ayyy dap me up bruh.” She was shortly ghosted after that.
The Alabama Fire Dragon
Alabama Hot Pocket. North Carolina Steam Roller. Beijing Jackhammer. Every guy who went to middle school knows of these legendary Urban dictionary sex positions that are too unholy to be tried in bed. Unless you’re a sick bastard of course. This guy went full demon mode and defiled this poor girl with a surprise Alabama Fire Dragon. For those of you who are not well versed, this is where you stick your dick so far down her throat she chokes, and your cum flies out of her nose upon climax. Needless to say I cringed a little when hearing about this as well.
The American Psycho
Imagine in the middle of sex a girl tries to kill you. Literally. Pulls a Patrick fucking Bateman and tries to fucking stab you to death. A kid here was boning a bipolar chick who suddenly enters her manic phase and tries to fucking kill him. Fortunately for this dude, he had 100 lbs over her and was able to calm her down. Oh did I mention this happened to him on his birthday? Nothing like celebrating another year of life by getting fucking shanked. Especially while inside your attempted murderer- it’s honestly poetic. Afterwards she tried to compensate by offering him heroin as a present.