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I’ve Never Been In A Fight

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I have a very punchable face and no one has taken advantage of that yet. All my life I have been told the same things “I’m gonna beat the shit out of you”, “someone needs to punch you in the face”, or “you are NOT gonna make it through high school without getting beat up at least 10 times”. My sister said that last one to me in middle school after I made a shitty joke about her hair or whatever the big thing in her life was at the time.

The funny thing is, I want to be in a fight or at least punched in the face. It’s a right of passage as a man and it hasn’t happened to me yet so I need your help.

Here are some reasons why I deserve to be punched in the face:

  • I do not go to the gym so I cannot fight back
  • I wear broken glasses with no intention of fixing them
  • I live an hour away from NYC and have only been there twice
  • I have shitty hair that I only cut every 4 months because I am insecure
  • I haven’t washed my bedsheets in a while
  • I use fake phone calls to get out of social situations
  • I just found out there are 2 Penn Stations
  • I have been told by a complete stranger “you have a funny looking face”
  • I use Reddit on a daily basis
  • I tell people “I know how to build a computer” even though I don’t anymore
  • I get most of my news from what’s trending on Twitter or John Oliver
  • I would rather drink alone than go out to a bar
  • I pay for youtube premium
  • I haven’t been to a doctor in over 2 years
  • I buy books, never finish them, but am weirdly proud that I own them
  • I have tried getting into meditation 6 times
  • I am a blogger
  • I used to run Cross Country and my younger brother was always faster
  • I only went to 2 parties in high school
  • I don’t know how tall I am
  • I am short
  • I look like if Ben Shapiro lived with his parents
  • I got denied from the frisbee team freshman year

So there you go. You can say any one of those out loud as your fist is hurtling towards my face and I will completely understand. Only if you are a stranger… If you’re a friend you gotta get more creative but someone needs to punch this face and shut me up.

What do you think?

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Written by Conall Lynch

Conall drinks vodka and chases it with a Granny Smith Apple. He likes to say “the mustache is just for content” but deep down wants to keep it.

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