Jerking Off While Living On Campus

In retrospect, I’m really glad I didn’t name this blog “jerking off with a roommate,” because that could’ve gone a few ways.

 If you’re heading into freshman year of college, this is definitely not the first time you’ve broached this subject. Here’s the thing about growing up: YES- you will exponentially have more opportunities to get laid than you did in high school, but NO- movie depictions of you having a threesome with two DZ’s at a naked paint party with a red solo cup in your hand are not what Tuesdays on a campus look like. So naturally, there will come a time amid the excitement of meeting new people and newfound independence where you’re going to have to do the only thing that gave your life purpose in middle school. 

It’s such a cop-out to say just jack off in the shower. If you are in a dorm with communal showers, you’re not going to have the opportunity to jerk off if you’re popping in the shower around 8 AM rush hour. There’s only X amount of showers, and X amount of people need those showers. Say you’re halfway through the storyline; you just got to the part where Abella Danger is asking her brother if her yoga pants are too tight, then BAMB there’s a knock on your door. The blood rushes back from your penis, and you’ve done a 180 from horny mode to fuck I really hope the volume didn’t echo mode. At that point, your chances of cumming have plunged harder than PENN stock after a new Portnoy sex tape leaks, and you went all that way for nothing. But in truth, the shower is the most logical location; you just have to be strategic about it. I’d recommend a nice four o’clock shower. Nobody’s in there at that time, 

If you’ve gotten to the point with your roommate where you can text him, “yo come back from class a little later I’m gonna jerk off,” he’s no longer your roommate; he’s your best friend. And while it’s not impossible that your college roommate is the guy giving your best man toast, that’s not a reality for most of us. Reality is a homesick kid from rural Michigan that snores like a morbidly obese asthmatic that never leaves the room on weekends. Through my experiences, there’s nothing worse than being in a room when someone thinks you’re asleep and they’re watching Riley Reid get her asshole torn apart on low volume. That’s the most uncomfortable position in the world. At least with sex, there’s an unspoken connection where it’s pretty much on you because you’re not getting pussy, and your roommate is. But jerking off while your roommate is awake… that’s about as uncomfortable as watching your Italian friend’s hardcore republican Dad interact with his pansexual nephew. 

If you’re going to jerk off in your room, know your roommate’s schedule WELL. Know that his Macro teacher will let him out ten minutes early on Thursday and adjust accordingly. Living in student housing has its perks, but jerking off is not one of them. 

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