“Does it smell like French fries to you?”
This one might be a little more obscure, so if you don’t know it get ready to thank me for teaching it to you. Best done in a car, “Does it smell like French fries to you?” is the question you ask after you’ve just ripped a particularly nasty – but also silent – fart. If executed correctly, whoever you’re with will take a big old inhalation with expectations to get a good whiff of French fries. Instead, though, he’ll be smelling the near toxic fumes of your butt. It’s really a classic.
“That’s what she said.”
The only proof I need that this will always be funny is that last week the random 60-something year old dude I golfed with dropped a “That’s what she said,” after I said, “Get in the hole.” It’s important to pick your moments here because saying it after something that doesn’t quite fit will make you feel like a total jabroni. But when you hit it right, everyone will get a kick out of it.
“Order number 69?”
Funny every single time.
“Not.” / “Said the liar.”
If your boy brings home an uggo, and he comes to you saying, “She was hot. Wasn’t she?” You can reply with: “Yeah, she was pretty. Said the liar.” Not only can it be a devastating blow, but everyone who isn’t on the receiving end of the joke will find it funny. “Not,” is also perfectly acceptable to use in that situation as well, though some may say it’s been done one too many times. Not.
“Hit it, Mary/Nancy/Bethany/Jessica/Jennifer/Sally/Sarah/(any girls’ name).”
Anyone who’s been out golfing a few times knows that there’s nothing more devastating than leaving an easy putt short – nothing except leaving an easy putt short and having one of your friends follow it up with, “Hit it, Diane.”
Not only is this one of the greatest insults ever, it’s also fucking hilarious. Regardless of whether or not someone has actually had sex or not, calling him or her “virgin” is a pretty amazing thing. It’s humiliating and funny and mean all in one. It’s especially awesome if it’s said to a man walking with his two children.
At this point in time, Obama has been out of office for like five years. That means that with every passing day, saying “Thanks, Obama,” to minor inconveniences in life becomes funnier and funnier. It’s not political at all. Just something about the way it rolls of the tongue combined with it making no sense feels pretty fucking awesome.