Henry Marken
I know it’s been a couple days since this wonderful event took place, but it’s very important to me that this stays relevant for as long as possible, as I need to be sure that TikTok influencers will NEVER attempt to contaminate the sports world again.
For the past 14 weeks in the NFL season, Juju Smith-Schuster, one of the most AVERAGE players in the league has blessed us common folk with his incredible pre-game routines of making a TikTok dance video. I mean, everything from the groundbreaking cinematography, the flawless choreography, and the award-winning musical scores used, these TikTok videos belong in the Library of Congress, joining other timeless and innovative films. Famous film director Christopher Nolan once said, “Everything I have achieved in my career as a filmmaker today… I owe it to Martin Scorsese and Juju Smith-Schuster for showing me the filmmaking ropes. They are my heroes.” Below is a culmination of a few of his renowned recorded dances.
Watch them. Just watch them.
Absolutely breathtaking, right?
Yeah, right. Gag me with a spoon. I think I’d rather watch my own conception. Actually, maybe not. You know what, now that I think about it, that’s actually gonna be a hard NO on watching my conception, but the fact that I even considered watching it as alternative to watching Juju’s TikToks has to show for something.
I don’t know what’s more infuriating: the fact that another innocent and wholesome soul has been sucked into the lifeless industrial void of being a TikTok influencer, or the fact that he dances like he’s the MVP of the league while he isn’t even the third best wide receiver on his team.
The truth is, I may be letting my utter distaste of TikTok get the best of me. There was a time when I used to love scrolling aimlessly on TikTok, letting hours go by as I watched the brilliant minds from all walks of life produce some of the funniest and realist content I have ever seen. The new Vine, they said. And they were right.
And then advertisers saw this same potential, and now… TikTok content is just as fake, thoughtless, and numbing as an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. It’s all about following some trend that a select few individuals decide what is cool, such individuals who get deemed the title of ‘TikTok Famous’ because they can move their arms in rhythm to a specific song from some random movie in 2008 that is now known as a TikTok song. And now they have houses being paid for them too. Here’s a fun holiday exercise, try to explain to your grandparents who Addison Rae is and why she is famous. Take a shot every time they ask, “That’s it? Does she do anything else?” You’ll be falling down the stairs shortly after.
God I hate TikTok. I’m visibly sweating right now.
But in all honesty, Juju’s TikTok dances were pretty harmless. At first. Originally, they were just filmed in closed locker rooms or within the limits of any Pittsburg Steelers facility, the stomping grounds of the team he plays for. Then some genius suggested that he start doing them on the midfield logos of every game, including the logos of OPPOSING TEAMS.
I mean, the utter disrespect. It’s one thing if he does it at his place, on his own turf. That’s fine. Honestly, if he just stuck to a pre-game ritual of dancing in the locker room before every game, I don’t think it would have been that big of a deal. I mean, yes he’d probably still get some resistance from football fans for making TikTok videos regardless. I mean let’s face it, TikTok dance videos and the NFL mix about as well as a vanilla cupcake with mayonnaise frosting. But if Juju was just a passionate TikTok user who liked making dance videos in the locker room, I don’t think people in the masses would be up in arms. I hate to say it, but that’s just a form of art. It’s not meant for everyone to understand.
But this guy goes out to the middle of the opponents’ field, films himself doing a TikTok dance on their logo while the special teams unit is out practicing their KICKS! I mean, what are you trying to prove? Are you trying to intimidate the long-snapper with your trendiness? That’s not trash-talk, not even close. Good God. That’s like being invited over to someone’s house for dinner and while the hosts are cooking the meal in the kitchen, you go take a shit in one of the kid’s rooms. It’s weird as fuck, yet beyond disrespectful nonetheless.
If you wanted to stick it to the host, you would pulled your pants down and showed them hell’s gate right in the kitchen.
Legendary NBA player and trash-talker Larry Bird used to walk up to the opponents’ bench at pregame and tell them that he was gonna use his off-hand that night and save his strong hand for a better opponent. He would then drop 40 points using his off-hand and check himself out of the game in the 3rd quarter. Michael Jordan used to walk into the opponent’s locker room, not dance on the court in front of the trainers and the water boys; MJ would walk into the fucking locker room before the with the entire opposing team and coaching staff present and he would let them all know that he was going to light them up.
Juju’s TikTok dance routines on the logos aren’t examples of legendary trash-talking. When it comes down to it, it’s just like being invited to a nice dinner and shitting in the child’s room: weird as fuck, yet beyond disrespectful nonetheless. Football fans were mad, fans of common decency were mad, and above all, Juju’s opponents were mad.
Well, justice may have been served. This play happened at the beginning of the Steelers vs. Bengals game, an hour after Juju made a pre-game TikTok dance video on the Bengal’s logo.
Perfection. Fucking perfection. Justice was absolutely served. Karma is literally a sentient being. Not only did Juju get legally POPPED for his pre-game shenanigans, but it happened at a symbolic location of MIDFIELD near the logo, and it occurred on Monday Night Football, primetime television. He wanted an audience. Well, he got one. America watched as Juju Smith-Schuster, TikTok star, was put on his ass, and then later joined the Steelers in losing the game to the two-win Cincinnati Bengals. He didn’t get injured. All he got was just a royally necessary kick in the pants. Like I said… perfection. I mean Jesus Christ, Merry Christmas to the Bengals.
Even the Bengals’ twitter team knew the implications of this hit. It’s not about incriminating TikTok or users of the app. Yes, TikTok is annoying, but that’s not what this was about. It’s about having class as an athlete and being able to back your game should you trash-talk. Juju did neither. Instead, he just created a thoughtless and numbing video that winded up disrespected the wrong Cincinnati Bengals defender.
I’m sure Juju is a nice guy. I’ve heard wonderful things about him off the field, whether it was him going with a fan to his high school prom after his date stiffed him, to just being a wholesome dude in general, I have nothing but respect and admiration for the guy as an individual. Even though he is older than me, he seems like a kid at heart. Maybe I’m writing all of this because I’m so mad that a guy as seemingly cool and down-to-earth as Juju is capable of such garbage.
Oh well, he got fucking lit up on national television for being disrespectful, TikTok was organically and hilariously ridiculed, and the Steelers, arguably the most hated team in football right now, are more vulnerable than ever and likely won’t survive in the playoffs. All smiles here.
