Justifications All Dudes Make

My dad is what people in the industry call a drug addict. Although he has been clean for several years, he told me how drug addicts characteristically make justifications for their behavior. I never thought this was particularly impressive of drug addicts. Me and every other guy I know is constantly making justifications for our own personal shortcomings. Here are a few justifications all dudes make. 

“She’s just not my type.”

She’s exactly your type. She has breasts, and is standing at the same bar as you. This is a justification for the fact that if you say this instead, you will guarantee that you avoid rejection. 

“That’s are clean enough.”

No, they’re not. But you wearing a slightly dirty shirt that you convinced yourself was the reason you got laid that one time is better than you entering any social situation wearing a Game of Thrones t-shirt.

“I’ll clean that up later.”

I don’t know why I think the urine I just left on the toilet seat will still be there for me to clean in eleven hours when I wake up. But I’m also pretty confident most guys will agree with me on this one. 

“I worked out today.”

I think every guy uses this as an excuse to do what they want after a workout. Even if you work out once every other month like I do, the sole act of you walking into a gym feels like enough for you to justify a hefty Chic-fil-A order.

“It’s a straight line.”

No, I do not drive drunk nor condoning others doing so. But I also think there’s a point in every night where a guy ponders to himself that he might be able to make it home if he drank a water. This is the point where we instead choose to have nine more drinks and find our way into the back of a stranger’s Chevy Equinox where we will tank our friend Rachel’s Uber rating.

“I earned this.”

We almost never do. Drinking the first eleven beers in the box doesn’t mean you’ve earned the twelfth one, and attending your first class in two weeks did not justify the thirty dollars you spent having Taco Bell delivered to your door. 

“What he did really wasn’t that bad.”

A justification all dudes make as a gut reaction when you read the headline that cancelled one of your favorite actors or comedians. Most of the time the details are pretty damning, and even the morally ambiguous assholes like myself are able to tell when it is. But it never stops us from wanting it to be false. 

“We all do it.”

If you’ve heard another person you know shares the same disgusting behavior you do, this is your best friend. I last used this when I was confronted about peeing in a shared shower. Apparently, we do not all do that.

“I couldn’t find a bathroom.”

Emergencies happen. Whether you drank too much on the Subway and had to pee into an empty Heineken bottle, or are wiping your ass with a leaf because there were no stalls at your nephew’s little league game, this is the emergency justification for every man. 

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Written by TFM

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