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Kenny Powers Greatest Quotes Proving That He’s The Fucking Man

Before a couple of days ago, I don’t know if I watched a full episode of Eastbound and Down. I would see it here and there, but I never actually sat down and watched it. When I saw the merch that we put out of Kenny Powers, and how people were buying it up like it was the last pack of cigs in the world. I knew I had to watch it, and Kenny Fucking Powers RULES. Before I start tossing around quotes, make sure to go to our store and buy either a hat or shirt before they start selling out, and I’m getting DM’s from people acting like OnlyFans bot and throwing out their Venmo’s. Shit is selling like the one dude who has blow at a party, and who knows how long they’ll stay in stock? The flags are already out of stock.

“A lot of people ask me, ‘Kenny Powers, you’re a giant star. You can get any woman. Have you ever paid for sex?’ And the answer is yes, I have. And it’s actually kinda cool.”

Pussy is pussy, and I don’t blame a man who pays for sex. Prostituting is the oldest business in the world, and there’s a reason why it has stayed around for so long. In the long run, it’ll be cheaper to buy a hooker rather than treating a girl for dinner, drinks, only to get blue balls after you felt her up, and she tells you it’s time to go home.

“This is a real job, it’s not like teaching kids. I can’t get fucked up.”

This is how I feel about writing. Delivering people’s mail, driving around in a mail truck, I can be fucked up and let my mind roam while being drunk or high. But, writing about girls shaking their ass or Kenny Powers quotes, I need a clear mind for that.

“I got two hard rules I live by, Pop: I don’t fuck with the devil, and I never do tag-teams with blood relatives. Take it easy, old man.”

Pornhub is shaking in their boots after reading this quote. Half of their videos are with step-parents or cousins. People from Alabama don’t understand this; they only do tag teams with blood relatives.

“Because surrender is death, and death is for pussies. And my ass ain’t no pussy. My ass is a fucking champion.”

Dying is the biggest bitch move. No chance to redeem yourself, no chance to throw out a just kidding, and no chance to be a champion.

“I play real sports. Not trying to be the best at exercising.”

This is why I tell myself I’m fat. It’s not because I can house an entire pizza, but it’s because I no longer play sports. Why the fuck would you want to compete in a triathlon? That’s not a real sport and not a real competition. That’s an award for the psychopaths who get up at 4 in the morning and go for a run and are the assholes who will bike on the road and be nowhere near the shoulder.

“I’ve been blessed with many things in this life: an arm like a damn rocket, a cock like a Burmese python, and the mind of a fucking scientist.”

I was blessed with a pussy arm that could only hit like 65 on the carnival radar gun, a small dick, and the mind of a postal carrier. But, a little secret you don’t have to be the sharpest tool in the shed to be a mailman. That’s the difference between Kenny Powers and me.

“What is that smell? Oh, Jesus Christ. What did you eat? Diarrhea?”

This is for all of the parents out there. If you don’t have kids, you think that baby shit should be like adult shit. Nope, it’s like straight liquid and smells like death. You would think that all babies eat Taco Bell 24/7.

“Why give 100% when 35% will get you paid and laid.”

This is everybody’s goal in life. Giving 100% is way too much work, and think about all of the shit you could ignore with that other 65%.

“I can’t believe I opened up my heart up to that bitch. Opened it wide up. And she just squatted with that big beautiful booty and dumped all over it.”

Those hurt a little more, mostly because you miss seeing that dump truck every day. Everybody has been there. You fall in love with a chick with a smoking body, you become the biggest SIMP for her, and then boom, she breaks your heart.

“Sure, I’ve been called a xenophobe, but the truth is I’m not. I honestly just feel that America is the best country and the other countries aren’t as good. That used to be called patriotism.”

This is the quote on our shirts and is the perfect shirt for the 4th of July. Remember to buy them before they sell out.

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Written by Mailman Dave

Just a regular mailman who wants to sit around and write about sports​

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