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Kids Born After 9/11 Need To Be Hazed

I think anybody born between 1997 and 2001 is in a weird place. We were old enough to watch a little bit of Hey Arnold, but we debated Selena Gomez and Miley Cyrus at the lunch table, not Topanga and Kelly Kapowski. By the time we reached second grade, you were a member of an impoverished ass school system if you couldn’t get access to a computer. Tom Brady and Lebron are our GOATs, we all accidentally saw a dick or two on Omegle, and our parents have pleaded with us not to vape for the past five years. It’s a weird identity where we didn’t get an iPad shoved in our face to stop crying when our parents took us out to dinner, but we all grew up watching the OG YouTubers (if you were a fan of SMOSH there is no possible way you got a bid). We are the last generation where it was normal for us to bike to a friend’s house, but we also got too much access to too much information at a young age (google blue waffle bro trust me it’s hilarious)

I remember growing up and being told that the grade two years younger than me was the worst behaved batch of children my public school system had ever seen. From the time those degenerates were in Pre-K, you would hear whispers of teachers having mental breakdowns dealing with these kids every day. One teacher who was particularly close with my Mom disclosed that she would drink a bottle of Red Wine every night she came home from her battles in the classroom. Something happened, where kids born after 9/11 are just built differently. They had an iPhone by the time they turned twelve-years-old. A whole generation that missed the boat on the cringeworthy signatures Verizon users would sign off texts with. These kids traded nudes like my people my age traded baseball cards at recess. And now, they are all coming into college, and I’m not going to lie… it’s a little intimidating. 

I really don’t like to admit that the kid wearing Steve WIll Do It merchandise next to me as I type this terrifies the shit out of me, but I have to be honest- he does. He might weigh one-hundred and twenty pounds, but I know deep down he’s seen a lot of shit. Kids born after 9/11 have already seen one of the worst economic recessions in American history, the COVID pandemic, AND a new dead celebrity every other day. Their version of calling shotgun occurs in a classroom…OF COURSE these kids are demons. Jesus Christ, they’ve been vaping since eighth grade. I hit my first vape in eighth grade and cried immediately after…I wasn’t stealing my Mom’s credit card to buy Mango Pods off the internet. These kids NEED to be hazed. Imagine the audacity of sending these texts as a RUSHEE.

When I was a rushee, I was practically willing to kill a puppy for a chance at getting an invite only text; I didn’t step on campus and think that any fraternity would be lucky to have another five foot eight white kid. What an INSANE thought process. These kids need to learn, and we need to teach them. You can make tons of arguments about hazing being dangerous and the focal point of the problems with toxic masculinity, but SOMEBODY needs to keep these Tik Tok watching, White Claw shotgunning kids in check. 

PS…get a fucking haircut; you aren’t in sway house; you just look like a douchebag. 

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Written by Bobby D'Angelo

TFM middle school penis game champion. Rutgers student.

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