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Kids From Boarding School Are A Different Breed

Somewhere right now in the hills of Connecticut, a future leader of this country is ripping banana ice flavored puff bar as he adds an EDM remix of Toto to his team’s JV Lacrosse Soundcloud mix. Boarding School kids are an enigma. Pretty much right after getting their first pube, parents shell out college tuition type money for their eighth graders(who just developed the courage to present a Microsoft Powerpoint on the Wright brothers) to…well…get the fuck out of their house. That’s not to say they are living in your typical shitty college dorm. They learn their geometry in living conditions that the average philosophy graduate won’t obtain until age thirty-one. 

The whole lifestyle is almost inexplicable, which may be why every boarding school kid I know showed up to college unphased. Their extensive drug knowledge is so refined that they could tell you what he’s rapping about within any Future song, no matter how obscure. Ah yes, when he says “baptized inside purple Activis,” he actually means that he has drank so much codeine he was baptized in pharmaceutical company Activis’ labs which are locat…. 

Boarding school kids don’t just smoke carts. They have a deep appreciation for them. Dab carts and warm vodka in water bottles is how they got through life…for years. They smoke a cart like my grandmother drinks a glass of wine. They savor it; they tell you where it was made, indica or sativa -hell, I’ve even heard one of them describe a dab cart as “perfectly oaky without being too overbearing.” What in the FUCK does that mean? 

They have a cult-like appreciation for their boys from high school. Mention any city on the east coast, and they will test you on it. Oh, you got a boy from that part of New York? Me too, ask your friend if he knows Devin. If he doesn’t know Devin, then he’s either a fucking loser or he doesn’t live in New York. Devin knows everybody. The experiences of moving from home at such a young age made them develop bonds that I’ve only seen in gangs and military units. That’s not even a diss on greek life, I love the kids in my fraternity, but we have fun together- we never had to come up with schematic plans to fuck girls without getting KICKED OUT of high school. 

Perhaps what I respect most about boarding school kids is that, ironically they are pretty resilient. After all the weird-ass play they had to experience as fifteen-year-olds, they can survive pretty much anywhere. While you and I were getting ripped off by a senior for a warm rack of Natty Light, they had to figure out how to make their lavish campuses with prison rules a fun experience. Make no mistake, there is a method to the madness of sending your child to a boarding school. Like single mothers breed D-1 athletes, boarding schools breed heartless hedge fund managers. 

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