Mailman Madness: Fallout

If you thought you were going to have a perfect bracket, well, you and thousands of other dumbasses were very wrong. Don’t worry; I also thought I was a genius with my hot takes. I was slinging my takes around like an NBA player slinging DM’s as they just landed in a new city. Today didn’t feel right. Instead of watching college basketball all day, my tv had kid’s shows on all day. My body started revolting against me as I wasn’t stuffing my face with pizza and wings. My brain didn’t know how to feel as I wasn’t crushing beers by noon. It was a somber day. I wasn’t transferring money from my joint account to the account that I can only see. For all of the married men out there, never have your gambling sites take money from an account that you share with your wife that is guaranteed to start fights.

If I didn’t look at the big picture of the big dance, I would’ve looked like a genius. When I tried to figure out who would make the Final Four and make it to the Elite Eight, I was the town idiot. Here’s what I got wrong.

My first gut reaction from the South division is that I love UNC.  If everything breaks right for UNC, they could go against Ohio State in the elite 8. I love UNC to at least make it to the Elite Eight.  

I mean, Jesus Christ, not only was I 100% wrong about UNC, but I casually tossed in that Ohio State would be the matchup in the Elite Eight. Which looking at it now, Ohio State wouldn’t match up with UNC until the Final Four. UNC couldn’t even make it past Wisconsin; it wasn’t even a close game. The Badgers blew the barn doors off UNC, and halfway through the game, I knew I was an idiot.

I think it’s going to be very chalk. I see Illinois winning this division.

I didn’t even think for a second that Illinois was going to be upset by Loyola. Sister Jean came out and took a hot dump right on my chest like my name is OBJ. Illinois was loved by many, and we are all IDIOTS. P.S. this is by far my favorite shirt that TFM has ever made buy one.

A smaller school that doesn’t have the name recognition that could make a splash in the South division is Winthrop.

Fuck you, Eagles. Those assholes came sweeping down, and the Wildcats jumped up and swatted the Eagles out of the ground. I really thought that Winthrop playing fast was going to cause problems for Villanova. I was wrong.

Syracuse will be a team that many people will select to upset teams, but I don’t see that happening. I will be shocked if they make it out of the first round. Syracuse limped into the bracket.

Not only did I not think that Syracuse was going to make it deep, but my dumbass thought that they were going to lose in the first round. Buddy turned into god damn Air Bud and rained 3’s on my face.

Alright, so there is my freezing cold takes exposed, but it wasn’t all bad. You throw enough shit on the wall, and something must stick. When just looking at singular games, I actually sounded smart. Get the lube ready I’m going to be jerking myself off as I look like a genius. Here’s what I got right.

Texas Tech had to try and pick up girls while every guy was handsome and rich. Utah State was the only guy in the bar who wasn’t 300 pounds, had all of his teeth, and had an actual job while everyone else was digging through ashtrays to find half-smoked cigs. I see Texas Tech easily winning this game.

Utah State was really the 300 pound guy trying to pick up chicks at the bar. The Mountain West had their legs spread wide open as Utah State plowed through the entire conference. Then when Utah State actually went against a great team that played in a great conference they were bent over, no lube, no spit, and sandpaper finish.

Well, the next great game is 12th seed Oregon State vs. 5th seed Tennessee. Sound the motherfucking alarms upset watch is going to be in full effect.

It always feels nice when you call a huge upset. I went big on this game, and it’s probably the only reason why I’m still positive after this weekend. God damn it if only I would’ve went huge on Oral Roberts there would be a 0% chance I would still be Mailman Dave.

Another team that I can see getting smoked is Colgate.

I was right thinking that Colgate should keep making toothpaste, and not play basketball. They didn’t even put up a fight against Arkansas.

I think that the bottom half of the bracket will be chalk, with Houston making their way into the Elite Eight.

This is the only future pick I even came close to getting right. Houston is just a boring team that wins. I’m kind of pissed that Houston won against Rutgers, it would’ve been great to have Rutgers back in the Elite Eight.

We still have 4 days until the Madness starts back up again. I hope and pray I’ll be able to make it until then, as I watch Mickey Mouse for 4 straight hours. Stay tuned for my thoughts on the right side of the Elite Eight. If you see me talking about who’s going to make it to the championship, probably tune that shit out, but if I talk about single games, I might actually know what I’m talking about. Make sure to check out Marken Madness as he is breaking down the left side of the bracket.

Written by Mailman Dave

Just a regular mailman who wants to sit around and write about sports​

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