Mailman Dave
Marken: The Final Four can be a day of intense celebration and colossal disappointment, as it’s either a prestigious showcase of elite college basketball or a painful reminder of how broken your bracket is and how violated your bank account looks from gambling losses. All I want to see is entertaining basketball at this point. If I place another bet on March Madness, a representative from the bank will be at my door first thing Monday morning, holding the deed to my house in his hand.
Mailman: I’m swimming in money at this point, not from futures, but from betting individual games. I won’t pretend like I know what happens for futures, but I can bet on individual games. Betting the under has been great for my wallet, and Gonzaga is a juggernaut that just keeps printing me money.
Marken: I already donated all of my hair to a wig shop to pay off my gambling debt from the Sweet Sixteen, but when UCLA upset Michigan in the Elite Eight, I had no choice but to shave my arm and leg hairs. Michigan couldn’t make a fucking basket in their last eight shots and lost to a mid-level PAC-12 team, and now I have no arm hair. I just have wind chill.
Mailman: I’m trying to decide what to do with my money. Listening to my partner Marken talk about how he’s going to freeze while looking like a swimmer makes me think that I should treat myself to a nice fur coat. And yes I’m not talking about fake fur, PETA get ready to get mad at me I’m talking about 100% animal fur. The more expensive the better. I can afford it after going 7-3 since the Sweet Sixteen.
Marken: What the fuck happened. And now I’m supposed to write a combined blog about my thoughts on the Final Four with Mailman Dave, who never really confirmed that he is an actual mailman.
Mailman: I can agree with what the fuck happened. Nobody saw UCLA making it this far. I agree with my partner that I didn’t see them even making the dance and beating Michigan State. And yes, Marken, I’m a real Mailman. Trust me; I wouldn’t come up with the name Mailman Dave if I wasn’t. Too bad March Madness isn’t for the entire year, or else I could be Gambling Dave instead. Also, you never told me about your pinky finger. I’m starting to believe you were just born with only 9 fingers, and the soup kitchen story is more funny.
Marken: Well, here are my thoughts, David: March Madness is just like any other drug that drains your wallet and makes you feel like shit after the experience has concluded.
Mailman: I don’t have much experience with drugs, but I know that weed makes me happy, just like March Madness, so I don’t know how true this is.
Marken: It also makes you feel really stupid and exhausted. All the research I conducted, all the expert podcasts I listened to, and all the long and wordy articles I read that helped me conceive the pErFeCt BrAcKet is completely obsolete. So yes, I am upset. Today’s games are simply reminders of how wrong I was.
Mailman: My guy, it’s okay. Do you think that people like Skip Bayless and Stephen A get paid cause they’re always right? No, it’s because they spew hot take after hot take and believe they are right. So as Journey once said, Don’t Stop Believing.
Marken: But like any addictive drug, I can’t get enough of it. I’m just a simple hamster running on a wheel, with no desire to stop or think twice about how to change. All I know is run. With that being said, and I know I’m beginning to sound like a broken record player… but I think I got this Final Four figured out. Baylor is a hydra. They are a team that gets better and better with each and every game, and while this Houston squad is damn good, filled with immense talent at every position, I think Baylor squashes them, and the starters come out of the game early… because the next game will take every ounce of energy those players have left.
Mailman: As somebody who has loved chew tobacco for 13 years, I’m also just a hamster. I think you might be wrong, though. Baylor has never gone against a defense like Houston. Houston is going to make this game so ugly that the amazing shooting that Baylor is used to will dry up. It can’t be a 1 vs. 1 that’s just boring and not what the madness is about. I’m sticking my neck out that the underdog Houston wins.
Marken: Like I said all month long, this Gonzaga team is a well-oiled machine, so solid down to its last atom that most teams can’t even begin to comprehend how to defeat them. They won’t lose today, and they won’t lose to Baylor on Monday night either. That will be a dogfight, but I think Gonzaga pulls through in the end.
Mailman: Sometimes your partner is so right and takes the words right from your mouth. I feel the same way, partner.
Marken: There it is. My prediction. Are these the famous last words of a hairless man on the verge of losing his house to the bank, or the beginning of the teachings of a new prophet, one that knows failure too well to ever lose again. Yeah, I’m thinking I’m probably gonna have to pack up my things regardless, just in case.
Mailman: Here are our predictions. A hairless man and one that is swimming in money. Do you listen to the man who looks like a hairless cat or one that is burning money just for fun? Watch out, though, because we are both probably going to have to go on the run for these hot takes at the end of the day.
