Marken and Mailman Madness: The Grand Finale

Marken: It’s all been leading to this. The bloodiest March Madness in tournament history spat out a matchup of the two best teams in college basketball, such a matchup that was postponed earlier on in the season due to the implications of the coronavirus. But nature is healing. In many ways, this is the universe’s way of making sure these two teams play, and if the universe has anything to say about it… it’s that this game is gonna be a fucking dog fight. Here it is, folks. Baylor vs. Gonzaga. Just as I had predicted. Well well well, how the turntables.

Unfortunately for our mailman friend it was tough sledding. Looks like the UPS truck got a flat tire while delivering because Mailman Dave went 0-2 last week.

Mailman: I’m a goddamn idiot. How did I not see Baylor winning that game? That was the easiest pick, and I thought I would be all fancy and act like my shit don’t stink and go with the underdog. Houston didn’t face one single-digit seed this entire tournament, and here I was throwing out hot takes that they would win the game. Bragging about the fur coats I was going to buy; all that money is now gone. The only fur coat I’ll be wearing is the copious amount of dog hair that my golden retriever sheds. 

Marken: I knew Baylor would swamp Houston. Everything from the second incarnation of Donovan Mitchell on their team to Matthew “Mullet Madness” Mayer, a literal beacon of sex coming off the bench, Baylor is very legit. Just as legit as Gonzaga, if not better. As I said last week, Baylor is hydra; an immortal being that gets smarter and stronger as the fight goes on. I knew better than to disregard UCLA completely. A 14-point spread in the Final Four? Come on. That’s like spitting on someone you’re about to fight and then tackling his grandma. I knew UCLA was going to keep it close, so my Gonzaga moneyline play was safe and sound. 

Mailman: Sure I got the Gonzaga pick right, and yeah, it was a great game, blah, blah. You know who didn’t pick the moneyline, and who went with their spread?  That’s right, this dumbass with two thumbs.  I was rooting for double overtime just for the chance that the Bulldogs could blow out the Bruins, and maybe my crazy spread of -14 would hit. Have you ever seen somebody who doesn’t have a favorite team in the game be upset by a buzzer-beater?  Well, you should’ve been in my living room as empty pizza boxes and empty beer cans scattered the floor, and I was screaming in anger. But that pain is over. Here is my last prediction of the madness. Gonzaga is a juggernaut and is going to win the entire thing. Plain and simple. Nobody since the 1975 Indiana Hoosiers has gone undefeated in the regular season and then won the entire championship. I believe that record gets broken tonight and the Bulldogs take home the belt.        

Marken: It looks like I’m going to have to slash the other three tires on Mailman Dave’s delivery truck. One of the few accolades the entire state of Indiana has and still talks about TO THIS DAY is the 1975 perfect season. And tomorrow… We will continue to talk about it, because I predict that Baylor beats Gonzaga in an absolute shootout! I’ll go one step further, I predict that my man Matthew Mayer wins the Most Outstanding Player award, thus he will keep the mullet for the rest of his life. Dave, I hope you’re not betting anything exciting on Gonzaga tonight, because there’s no way anyone with a mullet is losing this game. I better not wake up tomorrow and see that your house is on the market. 

Mailman: This ends Mailman Madness; I hope you enjoyed my blogs as much as I’ve enjoyed writing them. This was my first March where I could be at home and write about the madness, and I had a great time.  Until next Mailman Madness. Cheers, Marken!

Marken: Dave it was an absolute pleasure standing outside your window every night watching you watch the games. If you are delivering the mail in my neighborhood, I’ll tell my dogs to take the day off (they ripped up our last mailman to shreds). To everyone that has read my blogs over the last month, I apologize for any money that I most definitely lost you and I’m sorry that I just started to get the calls correct right when the tournament is coming to a close. What can I say: I’m a grow-er, not a… you know the rest.

Written by Henry Marken

I lost my pinky finger at age 4, but then found it again at a soup kitchen when I was 15. Survivor of a wild turkey attack (2008). I went to the University of Phoenix before it was cool to do college online. Currently in a lawsuit with Crayola after a devastating purple crayon incident.

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