Marken Madness: Do the Opposite of what I Say

It’s almost laughable at this point how wrong my picks continue to be. I guess shrinking the sample size of teams left didn’t matter for SHIT because I couldn’t pick a game right to save my life.

Well, I guess the only call I got right was Gonzaga, because they did joyfully skip into the Final Four like I predicted, but everything else on my bracket looked like a bloody massacre. 

Good lord. Let’s take a look at what I said in my last blog and see if there’s anything credible in there that can keep the mob from kneecapping me, because right now, I’m in the middle of packing a bag and looking at flights to Bora Bora.

“I’m going to ride with Oregon. They just kind of survive in March year in and year out and I don’t think they plan on losing until they face Gonzaga in the Elite Eight.”

Ah, yes. 

Looks like my ride was a ‘96 Honda Civic with a plastic bag for a passenger window, because my ride with Oregon went straight into the ground. 

Let’s see, what other calls did I just absolutely crush?

“Congrats to UCLA on an incredible season and somewhat of a Cinderella story this spring, but I predict an absolute massacre will take place in the form of Alabama kicking the living piss out of UCLA. No fairy godmothers will come to UCLA’s aid either. Just your classic tale of Cinderella meeting the sidewalk.”

I’m pretty sure I’m probably going to meet the sidewalk before UCLA does. Not only did they sort of steamroll Alabama in overtime, but they then went on to beat Michigan in the elite eight and are now competing in the Final Four!

Here’s the funny part. Technically my dark horse call of Michigan State going super far is actually… correct… from a bracket standpoint. Remember when I said:

“Technically, if you were to submit a bracket to have Michigan State to reach the sweet sixteen when I told you to, you’d look like a genius right now. That’s because the Michigan State/UCLA game acts like one team on paper. I made the prediction on Monday before their game on Thursday, and if you trusted me enough to send in a bracket before their game, and you had Michigan State going far… you would technically be getting credit for those wins. UCLA fills that spot, regardless if you intended for Michigan State to be there. So yeah, you’re welcome.”

Well, you are still welcome, if you chose to believe in me. 

But other than my backdoor UCLA call (which is only correct on paper) and Gonzaga (a team that everyone in America had in their Final Four) pretty much everything I said has been dead wrong and worth precisely dick. 

In other words, whenever I make a call, pick the opposite and you should be good to go. 

Going against what I say could be your saving grace this weekend because we got some fantastic games coming up, and you will need every advantage you can get. This weekend is going to be a mess. You better believe that the most maddening March Madness in the history of March Madness is going to have an equally maddening Final Four. 

Thus, my solo mission of covering the left half of the bracket is coming to a violent and painful close, and I can only imagine that my miserable and comical predictions will continue when I join forces with Mailman Dave in covering the Final Four together.

I wanted to get to know my future partner, so I put together a little business questionnaire assessment. Don’t worry the questions and answers will be anonymous.

Dear Mailman Dave,

Where do you live?

Are you even a real mailman?

Did you have any sort of success predicting March Madness games or are you normal?

Do you know how to swim?

How do you like your eggs? Rotten or thrown at your car?

Looking forward to working with you, David. Don’t touch my drumset.

Happy March!

Written by Henry Marken

I lost my pinky finger at age 4, but then found it again at a soup kitchen when I was 15. Survivor of a wild turkey attack (2008). I went to the University of Phoenix before it was cool to do college online. Currently in a lawsuit with Crayola after a devastating purple crayon incident.

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