Masters Preview 

AUGUSTA, GEORGIA - APRIL 02: A general view of the entrance to Augusta National Golf Club prior to the 2023 Masters Tournament at Augusta National Golf Club on April 02, 2023 in Augusta, Georgia. (Photo by Andrew Redington/Getty Images)

The greatest golf tournament of the year starts tomorrow and I am so ready for it and so should you. Painted among azaleas and green jackets, the most well-known golf course in the world, Augusta National is the biggest f*ck you to poor people ever. It’s not even about the money when it comes to Augusta, they simply just don’t want you. You need to know a guy to even remotely have a shot at playing there, let alone a membership. Here are my favorite things about the Masters.

Food Prices: Augusta pimento cheese sandwiches and Costco hot dogs are the only safe investments in this day and age. I don’t think they’ve altered the food prices at the Masters since like 1975. $5 for a beer is crazy, you’re not gonna find that anywhere. I’ve read that all the food wrappers are green so if they don’t make it in the trash, it looks like normal grass for the TV cameras, so that’s a plus.

Cult Like Atmosphere: Last year was the year of “Birdgate” where it came out that Augusta plays bird noises through speakers. That is cult-like. I have read other blogs from people that have been to Augusta and said that they have never seen animals on the course. It is also a no-fly zone. I have no proof, but there has to be some weird stuff going on there. 

Azaleas: Due to the Masters, this is one of the four flowers I know. Sunflowers, Roses, Tulips, and Azaleas. All other flowers can go to hell. I can imagine playing golf here and shanking my 7 iron and having to go fish out my ball that I stole from the range from the perfectly trimmed Azalea bush.

LIV versus PGA: There is nothing that would make me happier than a Sunday pairing between a PGA sweetheart and a LIV bad boy. After all the beef that has been going on between those two organizations, they could settle it at the biggest golf event of the year. 

Masters Dinner: The Master’s Dinner is one of the coolest traditions ever. The winner of the previous year’s Masters gets to choose the dinner for the following year. All former Masters champions get invited. The menu this year was exactly what I would choose. Just shows that Scottie Scheffler is one of the boys. Also, the pictures that come from this dinner are so funny. Looks like when your mom makes you take a picture with your 3rd cousins who you never see. 

White Painter Jumpsuits: Nothing gets me more fired up for the weekend than the Par-3 tournament where players have their kids or parents holding their bags wearing the white jumpsuits. Also, those white jumpsuits are such a staple of Augusta. I am sure they suck to wear in that Georgia humidity, but they look sick on the caddies. Tell me that these kids don’t look adorable in them.

Written by TFM Stelly

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