6 – CADET KELLY
Coming in at number six is Cadet Kelly. Imagine, you are Hilary Duff’s character Kelly, cute, artsy girl, living with your mom. Your parents are divorced, but still best friends. You live in a dream Y2K world. Low rise jeans, feathers in your hair, large belts, inflatable chairs, jellies!!! You have a flip phone, so sparkly and plastic, it looks like a McDonald’s toy. Then your mom gets married to a man with a pedophile mustache. Your artsy, free spirit mom forces you to go to military school where you play with…. GUNS??? There is a school bully, whose boyfriend you have a crush on. The bully is allowed to yell at you because, in military school, verbal abuse is a subject. Having to sleep in a bunk bed, share a room, and make my bed every day is my biggest nightmare.
5 – THE 13TH YEAR
You’re a swim star at your school – because duh swimmers are always popular in high school. All of the sudden….. you turn into a mer..man…. What happens to your private parts? Disney doesn’t include that. Throughout this process you find out you’re ADOPTED and that your parents are mermaids and dead. It’s not TOO traumatic for two reasons…
1 – Your swimming gets even better and you’re basically going to the Olympics because being a merman isn’t technically cheating in swimming.
2 – Your hot girl best friend that you’ve been in love with your whole life, is into it. She loves the tail.
4 – LUCK OF THE IRISH
You are a cute, high schoolboy. You are at your peak. High school is as good as it gets for you. So you are trying to live it up. People love you because you are the school’s basketball star. Otherwise, you are very awkward. You have a nickel collection…. That is how weird you are… So you are a very lucky high schoolboy. Then an evil leprechaun decides to curse your family. You have to come out, YES COME OUT, as Irish (the horror!!!!). You start shrinking! As a high school boy, SHRINKING. Would rather die. The bullying and ridicule. Because people are RUTHLESS when it comes to boy’s height. You are worthless below six feet….. even though you can’t control your height and Zac Efron is 5’10”
3 – PIXEL PERFECT
You’re a singer-songwriter with a promising future and a really cute boy best friend that you’re secretly in love with. You’re pretty, but you’re not THAT pretty. So your guy friend that you’re in love with creates a hologram of you that is…. HOTTER, BLONDER, and MORE FUN. You now write your songs for this hotter version of you who performs as you. Your boy toy falls in love with this hologram, whom he can’t even have a physical relationship with. THAT’S HOW HOT SHE IS. She is everything you’re not. Then, the hologram takes over your real body… you are about to become the fake person and she becomes the real one. But the hologram gets into your mind, gives you a pep talk, turns your emo mindset to butterflies and flowers, and then sacrifices herself so you can live. Yes, you get to live and the hologram goes away. YET the memory of the hotter, more fun, blonder, version of you who sacrificed herself for you is never forgotten. You will never live up to this fake pop star.
2 – SMART HOUSE
Your dad is dating. It’s traumatic for you. So instead of just letting your dad get some, you program a caregiver in your house. Because of course, your dad was dating to help find a caregiver, it’s not like babysitters exist. The programmed mom goes psycho and jealous. She kicks your dad’s girlfriend out of the house (yay), but also won’t let you guys leave the house. She smothers you to the point where you have to pull the plug. She is terrifying… and you have to kill her.
1 – DON’T LOOK UNDER THE BED
I don’t even know the plot of this one because it was too scary for me to watch