TFM
“Cyclists”
Listen, I ride bikes from time to time. It’s usually because I either don’t have access to a car or because I’m down the shore, but on the rare occasions that I ride my bike, I try to make sure that I don’t ride it like a complete fucking asshole. I know that under the law or something bikes are considered vehicles, but guess what? They absolutely should not be, and whoever made that decision needs to get kicked in the dick and kicked hard. On my drive home yesterday, there were two times that I got stuck behind a 250-pound man getting atomic wedgied by a bike seat with less girth than my penis peddling seven miles per hour IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING STREET. They have trails and sidewalks for a reason, and it’s not so some asshat who needed to pick up a hobby could hold up traffic for a quarter mile.
Social Media Politicians
I don’t care if I agree one hundred percent with what you’re posting. Just stop it. My normal protocol is to just unfollow anyone who posts any political views, but there have been so many “Orange Guy Mean” and “Biden not real President” Instagram stories in the past year that I can’t even keep track of who I should be unfollowing. Good for you for really being interested in our country’s well-being and everything, but the reality is that the vast majority of your followers will not care who you want to win whatever election. And you reposting something on your story isn’t going to change anyone’s minds. So please, stop. It’s really pathetic.
Law-Abiding Left Laners
These are the motor vehicle equivalents of “cyclists.” I have no problem with safe driving – none whatsoever. But if you’re in the left lane stopping me from passing the fuckstick in the right lane who’s going five under, I’ve got a bone to pick with you. That’s because you suck. You suck at a fundamental level. I am not one of the people that weaves in and out of traffic like it’s The Fast and the Furious – I’m way too much of a pussy – so when I’m in the left lane and someone wants to pass me, I let them. It’s that easy. For some reason, though, 70% of the world wants to fuck over everyone else in traffic by driving the speed limit in the passing lane.
Close Talkers
Yeah, I stole this one straight out of Seinfeld, but c’mon when was Seinfeld not right about everything? “The Raincoats” is the episode that we see this in, but it happens in real life wayyyyy too often. Unless it’s a drunken “You’re my fucking boy” conversation or you’re a girl trying to let me know that you’re interested (Yeah, that happens. Not often. But it happens), please keep at least a foot away from me. I don’t need to smell the Chipotle burrito you had for dinner, so let’s keep this “social distancing” going in that regard.
The Zoom Prolongers
These dickheads take the cake. The absolute worst humans on the face of the earth. “Any questions?” should always be the last thing said in a Zoom meeting, and if you’re the person that asks one, go fuck yourself. If you have a question at the end of a Zoom meeting, here’s what you do: send an email after like a civilized person. When class is ready to be done ten minutes early, you let it.
