My Five Biggest Fears

5. Drinking age being increased

This one didn’t start to kick in until recently, but one year out of turning twenty-one, this has started to loom pretty large. I’m just so close, and because I have such a truly difficult life, I feel like this is something that could happen to me. Sure, I’ve got a piece of plastic that says I’m 23 (shout-out Oldironside, truly a well-done job), but it just feels a bit pathetic having to lie every time I want to buy a 30-rack or get into a bar. I know that it’s incredibly unlikely that this actually ends up happening, but so is a Zombie apocalypse and there are people in therapy because that’s a genuine fear of theirs.

4. Either one of my grandmothers reading one of my blogs

My parents are pretty cool and find most of my blogs pretty funny if they read them, but I hope to my Lord and savior Tony Soprano that neither of my grandmothers ever reads one of these things. I know there’s that garbage thing people say, “Don’t put something out on the internet if you wouldn’t want your grandmother to see it,” but I don’t really care what either of them would think after reading one of these bad boys. That’s not what concerns me. It’s the fact that one is 78 and the other is 82, and I think if they read a blog their grandson wrote filled with dick and masturbation jokes, it legitimately might kill one of them. So, if you’re one of my relatives reading this and bring it up at the next family gathering, know that any deaths that happen will be completely on you.

3. Internet porn being shut down

I’ve stumbled across some of these posts from suburban moms with nothing better to do than ruin other people’s lives because they’re bored sitting at home all day waiting until it’s somewhat acceptable to drink four bottles of Pinot Noir and zonk out for the night. “This stuff is too accessible,” and “I don’t want my children being exposed to this.” Well, you know what Melanie? If that’s how you feel then grow a pair of nuts and slap some restrictions on your wi-fi or something, but don’t ruin probably the greatest technological advancement known to man for the rest of us. And get ready for some back lash from your husband if you do put on some restrictions. What do you think he does in the den when you’re passed out at 8:30 and the kids are in bed? Think about someone besides yourself.

2. Waking up and not remembering sex

So, I know that a lot of girls have this exact same fear because they know they wouldn’t have consented, and, yeah, it’s pretty doubtful I’d wake up and be think, “Shoot, I wouldn’t have said yes sober.” But it still ranks in my top five because, I mean, I want to remember that shit. Despite what any of you fellas brag about, unless you’re in a relationship, I know for a fact that none of you are getting it on with the ladies as much as you’d like to, because there’s no shot that you’re having sex every day. And be honest, that’s as much as you’d like to. I fall into that same boat, which is why blacking out and not remembering sex ranks so high in my list of fears.

1. Dying having never found love

Nah just kidding. I’m not a pussy. Biggest fear is spiders. I hate those fucking things.

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Written by TFM

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