As college students prepare to graduate and begin to realize they need to find a job or take their parents trash out once a week, a new group of kids in their early 20’s begin to fill out their resumes. All college students are told the same information about creating their resume: include all relevant experience, keep it to one page, make yourself stand out. The problem with this is most of us have learned more about how to get a bartender’s attention then we have about anything that would be helpful in an office setting. I’ve learned with women that sometimes you have to be honest about yourself before the pants come off and she is sorely disappointed with what you have to offer. I thought, why not do the same for potential employers. So here it is, the professional equivalent of a subpar dingdong, my honest resume.
- Microsoft Word- Notice how I did not say office. I don’t know how Excel works, and I won’t pretend to. I do however, know how to type, make words bold, you name it.
- Adobe Premiere- I personally don’t know how to use Adobe Premiere, but my roommate does and he’s willing to do me a favor for a six pack.
- Pretending to pay attention- No matter where I am, or what I am thinking about, I will look like I am paying attention to any teacher, friend, or boss who has something uninteresting to say.
- Quiet Pooping- As a man on the go, I’ve grown accustomed to relieving myself in public bathrooms. Although I’ve played more than one game of battle shits in the past, I’d prefer a stealth approach when performing in front of an audience. As a result, I’ve mastered the quiet poop.
- Flexibility- As a man with zero to no conviction, I can find, or at least appear to find a conversational common ground with anyone I’m introduced to. Your friend from home wants to tell me about his max bench. Sick bro. Your girlfriend wants to talk about her friend’s ex. What a pig. I’m the melted cheese of conversation, add me to anything and it’ll probably work.
Dairy Queen: Sales Associate- A few months in the spring of 2017
- Made and sold blizzards and other ice cream products
- Worked the cash register
- Swept and mopped
- Fired for giving away a free blizzard
Blue Bell Country Club: Food Runner- March 2018-December 2018
- Brought food and drinks to customers
- Listened to a coworker tell me about psychedelics and the time he was visited by aliens
- Learned in depth tips about Red Dead Redemption 2 from the line cooks
Einstein Bro’s Bagels: Cream cheese spreader- June 2019-June 2019
- Showed up late to any shift before 8 am
- Put different types of spreads on bagels, toasted and untoasted
- Eliminated waste by eating all extra bagels
- Quit to go to the beach with my friends for the weekend
Main Street Pizza: Pizza Delivery Boy- March 2020-September 2020
- Delivered pizza, wings, and other food products to a variety of houses
- Listened to over 100 episodes of Two Bears One Cave
- Left because I got tired of eating the left-over pizza
@TFMGirls Instagram: Account Manager- December 2022-Present
- Post twice daily on @TFMGirls on Instagram
- Message Instagram models about being posted
- Masturbate excessively
Abington Presbyterian Preschool 2004-2006
- Pooped in a urinal
- Successfully got into kindergarten
Franklin and Marshall: September 2019-December 2019
- Participated in one track meet
- Got my first blow job
Temple University: Business Major: January 2020-April 2020
- Learned I hate business, and nothing else
Temple University: Communications Major: September 2020-??
- Picked Communications because my mom suggested it
- I don’t love or hate it. I do as little work as possible.
Thank god I didn’t need a resume for this job. I don’t think I would’ve been a very strong candidate.