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My Night With Nelk

TFM Videos

Over the weekend I had the opportunity to not only meet Nelk, but also be a part of one of their insane Youtube videos. 

Now, before I spill the beans, I do have to preface this blog by saying I may or may not have signed an NDA so I can really only tell you what happened up until that point. 

On Friday, my friends and I had multiple people in our DM’s telling us that Nelk was in our city. But it’s New York, there’s 8.4 million people here. The odds of us running into them were slim to none. So, we didn’t really think anything of it. Until the next day…

On Saturday, we tried our best to overcome our crippling hangovers the way all 20 something white girls do…by going to a bottomless brunch. As we sat there, scrolling our phones and not talking to each other (like the stupid white bitches we are) we noticed the Nelk boys posted. Curious to see if they were near us, we all eagerly gathered around one phone to watch. (Not like we’re fan girls or anything.) 

It was an Instagram story that said they were trying to get a virgin fan laid in NYC. We all looked up. Could it really be that easy? The boys we’ve been watching since their fake employee days, are in our city and all we have to do is put our dignity aside and pork a fellow fan? It was a no brainer. 

After viewing the story, we knew what had to be done. Three girls, one opportunity. One of us must volunteer as tribute. 

Out of the three of us, only two were single so our third friend had a free pass. Unfortunately for me, the few morals I rarely ever practice came out to play in that moment. So I also regretfully opted out. Which meant it all came down to one. 

Mind you this one friend had just come for the weekend and had yet to even see any of what the city had to offer. That didn’t matter to our good pal, because she was willing to offer herself up to this gentleman. She didn’t even know who Nelk even was our what she was getting herself into, but she offered. Her bravery gives “taking on for the team” a whole new meaning. 

Once we delegated, we reached out to Kyle and presented him with a picture of our eligible bachelorette. He showed her picture to the charming virgin “Chaffee“. At first, young Chaff was hesitant. I understood wanting your first time to be special, but we delivered this inexperienced boy a beautiful and willing contestant.

After much consideration, our boy Chaffee was in. We were told to meet the fellas at their (penthouse) hotel at 5. By now, it was already 4pm and our brunch buzz was starting to wear off as well as our makeup. We were a far walk from home and needed to get our deflowering friend dressed to impress.

Never in my life have I seen three girls get ready that fast in such a small and confined space (AKA my closet sized apartment). We were able to walk a mile, shower, change, do both our hair and makeup, pregame, and get an Uber all in under an hour. Unheard of, really. 

When we got to the hotel, we were asked to hand over our phones by their bodyguard who looked like The Rock wearing a Conor McGregor costume…on steroids. We began to hand over our life on a device when we were told we can actually keep them. Mr. Rock Steroids McGregor didn’t like that idea, but I wasn’t going to ask any questions. 

When we finally got into the room, there was some crazy shi……….

AND THAT’S WHEN I SIGNED THE NDA.

Sorry folks. I feel like I’m blue ballin’ ya, but hey that’s showbiz baby. 

One thing I think they will let me say is that their new hard seltzers “Happy Dad” are phenomenal. Those skinny canned phonies have no chance when these babies become available nationwide. They’ll be worth the wait boys, until then…FULL SEND.

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Written by Grace O'Malley

If Carrie Bradshaw drank a little bit too much and was originally from Boston...

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