Seven months ago, in the back of an Amish guy’s barn, I exchanged $1,000 in cash for a beautiful, baby black lab. And while I initially bought her to help my friends out with their Hinge profiles, we’ve fallen in love with each other. I don’t even take a shit without her wagging her tail like the adorable little dumbass she is right by my side. For any guy in his early twenties, I would highly recommend getting a dog. The days I spent in bed hungover having panic attacks have turned into walks in the park with the sun shining on my face…still hungover but without the panic attacks. She’s forced me to become a man through the responsibility of taking care of her, and my mental health has improved tenfold in the process. There’s only one problem: she’s racist.
My dog rarely barks unless she has a reason to be irritated. She’s obedient, keeps to herself, and she finds birds extremely entertaining (she knows that they’re spies). It’s important to note that I didn’t live around my college campus during this last second semester, so my dog mainly was around white people as a puppy. Between classes and writing a blog a day, making sure my dog knew that the world is a diverse place was not my number one priority. But about two weeks ago, I moved twenty minutes outside of New York City, and she won’t stop barking at people of color. I know this sounds like something you’d read on Reddit or an episode of Curb, but this has quickly become an enormous issue FOR ME. Last week, a white lady asked if she could pet my dog. Because I’m not a piece of shit, I said, “of course you can.” And as my dog is licking this Gymshark wearing, Twitter complaining blonde chick’s face, a black woman passing by says, “oooh, a puppy, may I pet it.” I told her that she could also pet my dog, and as her hand began to drop, my dog lost her fucking shit.The black woman looked at me with disgust, the white woman looked at me with double the amount of disgust (because that’s what white women do), and I barely muttered out an “I’m so sorry.”
I’m also living with a guy from the United Emirates this summer. When my dog first started to bark at him ferociously, I figured it was just jitters from the move. SHE HASN’T STOPPED. Every single time he knocks on my door, my room starts sounding like Mike Vick’s basement in 2006. I’m going to lose my man-card over this anecdote, but it speaks volumes on how distressing this issue has become: I don’t have good skin, and I like to drink. IE I went on Accutane for two out of the six recommended months before I threw in the towel. My girlfriend introduced me to using facemasks (yeah, I get it; I’m a pussy). Yesterday I went into my bathroom to put on the facemask mentioned above, and I came out looking like Robert Downey Jr in Tropic Thunder. As I went to my desk to get back to work, I heard some low growls, and then she pounced on me. After fighting her off for fifteen seconds, she figured out that I was the same guy whose feet she sleeps at night. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m afraid to take her on walks at this point. We are all very aware of the political climate we’re in. Imagine how you would feel walking a dog that ONLY barks at people of color. Somebody, please help me.