My Questions For Corporate Interns

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, the real world confuses me. Maybe it’s because I was coddled as a child or maybe it’s because I’m a film major who studies playing pretend for a living. Either way, I don’t understand how the world works. 

When I go out with friends on weekends, conversation usually revolves around everyone’s summer internship and what they’ve been doing. I tend to stay pretty quiet during this portion of the night. Mainly because when I tell people I got my job over Insta DM’s they look at me like I’ve been sucked into a pyramid scheme selling turquoise jewelry, but also because I’m genuinely confused when other people discuss what they do. However, I’ve decided that I am tired of staying silent on the sidelines and not being able to participate. So, to clear the air, here are a few questions I have for corporate interns.

What do you actually do?

Look, correct me if I’m wrong, but from my point of view, it doesn’t seem like you people do anything. From what I hear, it sounds like interns at these big companies don’t spend as much time doing work as they do going to meetings. Every time my friends talk about their days they always start out with “well me and my team had this meeting…” What type of team are you on? What was the point of the meeting, just to say you met? Whenever I ask follow up questions, I get answers more vague than Demi Lovato’s sexuality. I swear you guys just try to make it seem like you’re busy, when in reality you’re getting paid to sit at your desk watching tiktoks of dudes guessing Eich’s lunch. The closest thing to work you actually do is type numbers into excel. Yet, even that seems like a waste of funds from the company’s perspective since a literal monkey or overseas child worker could do the same thing for free.

What is consulting?

It seems everyone nowadays is a goddamn consultant. One problem, no one can tell me what the fuck that actually means. What are you consulting people on and why are they trusting you to solve their business problems? Not only are you too young and severely underqualified to make meaningful decisions, but I’ve personally seen you eat an entire pack of cold hot dogs because you were “too hungry to wait and they’re not technically raw.” It doesn’t seem to even matter your major either. Explain to me how a computer science major with a minor in statistics winds up with the same career as a communications major whose primary focus of study is social justice. There is no way that those two people have the same skill set, especially considering the latter has no skills at all. Talking to a consultant is like having a conversation with someone with a foreign accent who has already repeated themselves twice. I nod and smile like I understand, but I’ve never been more lost in my life.

What do you mean by “log on?”

When people talk about what time they start work at, they all use the same phrase. “Well, I get to the office at around 9, but my boss doesn’t log on until 10.” Huh? Log on to what? Is there some sort of software you’re using or do you just like sounding like a pretentious dickbag? Sure, maybe my job isn’t the most legitimate, but we’re completely virtual and still manage to get everything done only using email and imessage. I seriously can’t tell if log on just means open your computer or if you sit in a zoom all day staring at each other while you work.

Can you do my taxes?

Seriously, I still have no idea what you people actually do. Do you control the stock market? Is it your fault that gas prices are so high? Please explain to me inflation, NFTs, and how exactly we owe China $17 trillion dollars. Thanks.