11:19: Wake up. Another day another dollar. Early Bird catches the worm. Whatever, I’ve heard it all before. Gonna keep it real when I say I got fucked last week, but like JFK your gonna have to shoot me in the head to kill me. Gonna start meditating to figure out the picks for the day.
11:23-12:00: After taking four minutes to get over last week’s terrible losses, I pull up my book, and brother, I think I wanna marry this slate. I’m like Zach Galifianakis in “The Hangover” playing craps. I must be in your local Ace Hardware store cause all I see are locks (ACE Hardware please sponsor me). Dallas a slight favorite over Washington? Throw up the X. Chargers over Houston? I don’t know what kind of meatball fuck thinks Houston is gonna beat Herbert, even with a missing rib. Bills in Baltimore? Circle the wagons. Packers over Patriots with Brian Hoyer in? Even Tom Brady’s son couldn’t soak up his QB knowledge, and that relationship was way less platonic than Brady’s and Hoyer’s (Tom Brady kisses his son(s) on the lips, that just has to be written down somewhere). Chiefs over Bucs on Sunday night to top it all off. Honey, I’m Home. Five legger, plus more money on Chiefs because they fucked me last week.
1:00: GAME TIME MOTHA FUCKA
1:05 Am I the smartest person ever?
1:10: Ok Buffalo, let’s play like we want to win.
1:29: If Dallas had an average offense they would be up 200 points at halftime.
1:34: Im gonna skull fuck Josh Allen if they don’t turn shit around.
1:45: Where does Josh Allen Live?
2:30: Call me Judy B. Jones cause I’ve got to figure this mystery out. If Buffalo ML is the only thing that holds this parlay up then my mom’s gonna be on the news tomorrow saying “he was a normal boy”.
2:52: Come on Buffalo you’ve got to want it.
4:16: Dude oh my god. Buffalo pulled it out of their backdoor compartment. I’ve got my bookie crying on the phone trying to get me to cash out. I tell him to eat a shoe.
4:30: If Aaron Rodgers loses this game I’m encouraging Michigan to take more than just the upper peninsula.
5:02: Why the NFL only has three games in the late afternoon I will never understand.
5:23: Wait there was a London game this morning?
5:30: Hate to see any injury, but Brain Hoyer is actually a good backup. Now the Pats are brining in some QB drafted in the seventh round and holy fuck oh my god we fucked up bring Hoyer back in.
5:45: Holy shit Bailey Zappe is good.
6:00: It’s Zappening. I just cursed the entire NFL fandom into another Patriots dynasty. I’m calling my bookie, crying to cash out. He tells me to eat a shoe.
6:24: This game is way too tight.
6:13 It’s Zappening again.
6:45: I forgot Aaron Rodgers is a criminal who is best friends with referees and foreign dictators. Worried for nothing, 4/5 legs down. Time to beat father time.
8:15: This will be my best bet ever if it hits. If it doesn’t hit, the money never really mattered anyway, it just made the games way more enjoyable. Again, money doesn’t mean much to me, I just wanted to have a fun day watching football.
11:30: CASH. MOVES. EVERYTHING. AROUND. ME. DOLLA DOLLA BILL YALL. IF YOU AIN’T TALKING MONEY THEN I DON’T WANNA TALK. I AM THE MAN WHO OUTSMARTED VEGAS. MONEY MOVES EVERYTHING, IF ANYONE SAYS OTHERWISE IT’S CAUSE THEY ARE BROKE.