I’m sure there are many, many, many people who would disagree, but I tend to think of myself as a pretty happy guy. I am, however, a human being, which means, of course, that there are many things that I hate. These days, the things that most upset me typically come from social media, so I’ve taken the liberty of creating a brief list of some of the most annoying social media trends that I see on an almost daily basis. I’m sure there will be many of you reading who engage in these idiotic practices, and if you are upset by the fact that I am calling out these things as some of the most fucking pointless fads in history, that makes me truly happy.
1. Reposting Instagram Birthday Shoutouts
We get it. It’s your birthday. But believe it or not, there’s a funny thing about birthdays: everyone on earth has one. I’m not a huge fan of the “birthday shoutout” to begin with, but I’ve accepted the fact that it’s going to happen, and that’s fine. What we don’t need, though, is you reposting every single person who gives you one on your story. It’s annoying. It’s dumb. It’s something that, when I see it, makes me want to hop on a Greyhound Arizona so that I can hurl myself into the Grand Canyon. That way, even if I somehow manage to survive such a massive fall, I’ll be stuck there for the rest of my life, which will prevent me from being able to murder the people that do this. Seriously, I’d rather get the same treatment Will Ferrell did in Austin Powersfrom Dr. Evil and get thrown in a burning fire pit than have to tap through fifteen reposts of someone wishing you a happy birthday. Just say thank you and move the fuck on.
2. Meaningless Anniversary Posts
If you’re in a loving and committed relationship, I’m happy for you. And if you feel like you need to post something when you and your sex buddy have spent another year together, go for it. But guess what: dating for two months? Not an accomplishment. Neither is three, neither is four, neither is eleven. No one needs to hear about the fact that you’ve spent seven weeks and three days with the same person. It’s not significant. I don’t update anyone when I take a regular poop. It’s got to be a ghost poop or a ridiculously massive log for me to feel like it’s important enough to update the world, and I think if people considered that line of logic before spamming my feed with a relationship that is still young enough to be aborted.
3. Putting Your Post on Your Instagram Story
Unless you’re running some kind of business or something like that, you have to stop this. Instagram has this weird way of working where if you scroll down through your feed, you’ll see the posts of anyone you follow. So, since it works that way, there’s really no need for you to put your own post on your story. We’re going to see it anyway. It’s bad enough that I have to see people’s posts that I don’t really care about once because there’s some kind of social construct that if I know you, I should follow you on Instagram, but if you’re one of the assholes that forces it into my feed twice, there’s a special place in hell just for you.
I know that I’ve probably just personally insulted many of the people reading this, and I’ll probably be hearing from some close friends who felt personally attacked by this little list I’ve come up with. Hey, shit happens.