Right around Valentine’s day, I went to Temple for a visit. Two pretty fantastic things happened while I was there. This is the story of the first one:
After several Bud Lights and one fantastic rendition of “Just Give Me a Reason” by P!nk ft. Nate Reuss, I found out that we as a group had no plans for Friday night. Always in search of adventure, I decided to reach out to a girl I knew and see if she was doing anything. She was. I said farewell to my boys and went down a number of floors to meet up. I was taken to a
party gathering in which I knew no one else. This is never an issue for me. I tend to make friends pretty quickly when I’m fueled by fermented beverages, and pretty soon, I’d made some lifelong friends whose names I now cannot remember.
At some point during my time in this apartment, I began playing Madden with the guy sitting next to me, and pretty soon, I was on my third game and absolutely running shit down there. Just dominating my competition. While flexing pretty hard after my third straight win, I asked where the girl I had come to the apartment was, and I found out that she had left and hour and a half earlier. Looking around, there were only about four other people in the room, and they all started to realize that none of them had any clue who I was. It was about 2.a.m., and it was pretty clear I was not invited to the post game. After politely asking me to leave once, they were not thrilled when I sat down to another Madden game and made it pretty clear that it was time for me to go. I wasn’t happy to leave mid-game, but I can take a hint. I headed out, giving out hugs and handshakes to all of my new friends on my way, which (and I feel this is important to note) they did NOT seem to enjoy.
Anyway, I hopped on the elevator to head back up to the apartment I’d be sleeping in. While on the elevator, I encountered a young woman who begged me to help her get her friend into the building when we got downstairs. After telling her that we were, in fact, heading to the sixteenth floor, she became quite confused and was not happy when I hit several of the buttons right before walking out – classic prank. Now, it’s important to understand that I was already at a bit of a disadvantage getting back to my friends’ apartment. Their building is a fucking maze, and every single hallway looks exactly the same. Mix that with the fact that I’d been really enjoying beer that night and that I desperately needed to take a grumper, and maybe you can start to understand the levels of panic that were setting in.
I ran around the hallways of the sixteenth floor for probably ten minutes, and things were starting to get pretty dicey. I’m not sure you could really call what I was doing running actually. It was more of a hobble: cheeks clenched and pelvis out. I’m not exactly proud of this next part but remember that I really was in a time crunch. In my search for the right room, I stumbled across an open apartment. I’m not exactly sure what the deal was, but I called out inside, and when no one answered, I had to go for it. That was BY FAR the most stressful dump I’ve ever taken. I mean not only did I enter someone else’s home without permission, but I was absolutely disrespecting their bathroom as well.
Thankfully, I made it out alive, and whoever lives there was none the wiser. I do wish, though, that I had been able to control myself for just a few more seconds, though, because it turned out that the apartment I was looking for was just a few doors farther down the hallway. Oh well. I lived to poop another day, and I think that’s really what matters most. Don’t you?