Never give yourself a nickname

Nicknames can be a lot of fun. It can define a personality, mythologize a friend group, or even give someone an entirely new identity. One of the more pure and memorable experiences you can have with your friends is being there when a nickname is established and given to someone. Another great gem that people often take for granted is when you introduce your friends to a stranger using their nickname instead of their real name. That just shows how deeply invested you have become with that person and their nickname.

Nicknames, however, are not two-sided coins. 

Despite how wholesome a nickname and it’s meaning may be, if you even for one second think about giving yourself a nickname, the purity is ruined and you’re just scum.

Nicknames in many ways are like getting Christmas presents. You may like some gifts more than others, but no matter how much use each one gets… they are all inherently yours. 

You wouldn’t go buy and wrap a bunch of christmas presents for yourself unless you were a piece of shit. 

I mean christ, if this is your Christmas morning scene with your kids, then you’re going straight to hell: “Alright kids, I’m gonna grab a gift from under the tree. Oh it’s for me! Let’s see who it’s from. Oh it’s from me! That’s great!”

That guy is just awful.

The same rules apply for nicknames. They are gifts that you get, and in many ways, they are earned. The honest to god truth is most nicknames generally compliment a part of your personality, unless you have shitty friends, and then maybe the nickname is a glorified insult which unfortunately stuck.

If you give yourself a nickname, you are basically publicly broadcasting a compliment about yourself which was originally thought of and then said out loud by you


If you didn’t get a nickname, too bad. Don’t force one into existence.

True story— I was at a bar the other night and I was talking to some clowns I just met. I cannot remember his first name, so for the sake of the story we will call him Peter. But I do remember what he introduced himself as.

“Hey what’s up man, my name is Peter, but I go by Mustang.”

This was actually said by another human being. It’s one thing if he was being funny, in the sense that he is as socially aware as Dave Chappelle and said that nickname just to get a reaction out of me. 

This was not the case. Mustang talked to me about his high school football memories and how he wishes he could put the pads on again. I’m willing to bet he got that nickname on the field many years ago and now is just shoehorning that name into every possible scenario, just so that the bastard can relive the glory days.

Mustang is a one trick pony with a head full of rocks.

I feel like the population of Mustangs are actually pretty low; the type of people who not only give themselves a nickname but formally go by it. These people are rare, that is why I’m fine with Mustang’s existence. 

I mean Jesus Christ, could you imagine if I said, “What’s good, I’m Sexgod,” or “Hey, I’m Bullshark.”

It would only be funny if I were aware enough to know that I was acting like a douche. And even then, my audience still may want to spit on me.

There is, however, a large population of people that feel obligated to give themselves a nickname on their private snap story. I hate snapchat.

This is an interesting concept of hidden egotism and arrogance. Some people use the title of their private snap story as an opportunity to coin a nickname for themselves.

I’ll give you an example. Let’s say that Alex thinks of himself as a big drinker, and in his mind this is an impressive skill. Now Alex is socially aware enough that he doesn’t blatantly brag about his drinking skills in public, as Alex isn’t a complete jackass. 

Alex, however, decided to name his private story “Alex the Alcoholic.” In his mind, he’s done nothing wrong. He’s not alone. People do shit like this on the daily. 

We are back to square one. The dude just gave himself a catchphrase of which he thinks he identifies with, which by the way is a compliment in disguise. He nicknamed himself “Alex the Alcoholic.”

This is just one of my many quarries with snapchat and how that app applauds us on our moronic behavior. 

In short, don’t be like Mustang and nickname yourself. If you were blessed to get a nickname, don’t introduce yourself as the nickname. Someone may just beat the hell out of you. That will be me, after I’m finished with Mustang.

Written by Henry Marken

I lost my pinky finger at age 4, but then found it again at a soup kitchen when I was 15. Survivor of a wild turkey attack (2008). I went to the University of Phoenix before it was cool to do college online. Currently in a lawsuit with Crayola after a devastating purple crayon incident.

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