New Crack Movie Coming Soon! This One With Raccoons

If you were a fan of Cocaine Bear, listen up because there is a new drug-filled animal killing spree movie on the horizon: Crackcoon.

For you idiots out there that couldn’t put it together yourselves, clearly Crackcoon is about a raccoon on crack. Oh, and then he kills a bunch of people. Here’s the trailer.

Honestly, that’s probably the worst movie trailer I’ve ever seen. There is a reason for it though. Unlike Cocaine Bear which was directed by the legitimately talented and famous Elizabeth Banks, Crackcoon doesn’t have major studio funding. It’s in an indie film, meaning the director Brad Twigg has needed to find his own investors to help make the movie. In his search, he was able to wrangle up about $25,000 — although half of that money is for another film of his titled Wrestle Massacre 2 (clearly this guy has a genre of choice: low-budget murder).

That means that this entire movie was filmed using just over $12,000. In comparison, Cocaine Bear’s budget was over $30 million and that movie was still absolute trash. Not only is Crackcoon a low-budget movie, but they are actually in need of more money for post-production. Twigg has posted online hoping to raise an additional $9,882 (seems suspiciously specific) for editing including coloring, sound effects, and soundtrack. He says any extra money raised will be put towards another animal drug movie of his called Crackodile.

Let’s get things straight. These are the best titled movies in the history of mankind and they deserve all the hype for that reason alone. That said, they are garbage. From that one minute trailer alone I can tell you this movie will suck. Aside from having nearly the same exact plotline as Cocaine Bear, the acting is beyond awful, the fake blood is overused, and I feel like I already know how it unfolds from beginning to end.

Do I need to see a drugged up raccoon kill anyone? Not even a little bit. Will I still see the movie if it ever comes out? Probably, but just because I wanna see the furry little guy huff some crack.

Anyway, if you disagree with me and really want to see this “piece of art” on the big screen, you can help out Twigg by donating to the cause here. I’ll be waiting to see what happens. In the meantime, I’ll be watching Wrestle Massacre 1 to catch up on the series.

Alex Becker

Written by Alex Becker

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