Mailman Dave
Everyone can remember when they’re a little kid, you wake up in the morning not extremely hungover. You look out your window and are greeted with a shit ton of snow. You heart flutters as you run into the living room, and turn on the tv. You hear your mom telling you to not be excited that there will be probably be school. Your eyes dart at the bottom of the screen as the ticker goes by. You see every school within a 30 mile radius on there, but not your school. You instantly get pissed at anyone who you think is in power of authority. You start cursing out random teachers, and principals. Your mom starts to call you that it’s time to get ready there’s gonna be school. Then you see it, your schools name finally is on the ticker and all of your wishes come true. You spend your entire day playing video games, and eating junk food. That’s the dream snow day for anybody under 16, then after you get more than 4 pubes those snow days turn into day drinking, and hot boxing igloos.
Then you go away to college, and have no idea what could happen on a snow day. As you watch the snow fall from the sky you start hearing the kids from down south complain about 2 inches of snow. Maybe you come from an arctic land like myself, and 4 inches is normal, for both an average night of snow, and for what your girl can expect in bed.
You pay a metric shit ton of money for tuition so there’s no way that a college could cancel school for an entire day. Well then an email slides in, telling you that those classes that has you in debt forever is done for the day. That means one thing, and one thing only time to do the most demented shit known to mankind.
First thing is first is to get as drunk as humanely possible. The snow can’t effect you if you’re drunk off your ass. Then after you have taken away any chance of being scared it’s when the fun really begins.
When you’re a small kid sliding down a 10 foot hill is of course fun, but you know what makes that even better is being extremely intoxicated. A 10ft hill is a little bitch hill, you need to find a hill that rivals Mount Everest. Not only are you going to go down that hill, but let’s add a jump to this already sketchy hill.
If you’re young, and drunk you’ll just bounce off a tree. Going down a hill in a tube that you bought at 3am in Walmart is fun, but that’s not the only thing you can go down a hill in.
That was a dumpster that was flying down that hill, a motherfucking dumpster. Nothing like sliding down the hill with your boys in a dumpster that you’ve probably thrown up in. What about breaking out the kayak that you bought that one summer where you thought you were going to be healthy and spend your time out on the lake. Instead you just got drunk on your buddies boat all summer, and now you’re taking that kayak in the middle of a blizzard.
Remember if it’s snowing make sure to have go out and fun. Don’t be a little bitch who stays inside cause you might be cold. Time will fly, and before you know it you’ll be shoveling, and plowing your driveway. You’ll be cursing the weather, and be pissed at everything.
P.S. A penis sculpture is funny regardless if you’re 11-80 years old.
