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Notre Dame Football Players Have No Sex

Isaiah McKenzie was drafted from Georgia in the fifth round of the 2017 NFL draft and he is now one of the wide receivers on an absolutely lethal Buffalo Bills offense. Thanks to his recent appearance on Tyler Dunne’s podcast, we now also know that he loves to have sex. What a guy!

In the clip Tyler Dunne tweeted out from his first ever podcast episode, we hear the story of McKenzie’s decommitment from the University of Notre Dame. According to McKenzie, when he got to Notre Dame’s campus, he was told by his head coach that sex of any kind would not be allowed once he arrived and joined the team. The Monday after he visited, he decommitted.

Now look, Notre Dame is a Catholic school, and as we all know the Catholic Church is no fun whatsoever. The only sex they allow before a marriage is if it’s between one of the priests and a young boy, so it’s not a surprise that there is a rule in place to prevent their football players (you know, the guys that get their heads bashed in so that the school can stay open) from having a good time.

In my eyes, Isaiah McKenzie made the exact right decision and set an example for all college football players and college athletes in general. Because what do you think one of the biggest perks of being a college football player is? You don’t get paid, you spend a shit ton of time working at football, and you have barely any time to go out and have fun during your season and, depending how big of a football school it is, sometimes the rest of the school year. So, when these guys want to go out and party, they’re looking for a good time, and they know that it’s going to be significantly easier for them (these guys are gods at their schools) to have sex than for guys like me, who maybe could’ve played division three soccer somewhere but now spends his time getting fat and making dick jokes on the internet. And you told the man that he couldn’t do that? You told him that he couldn’t cash in on the biggest advantage you get from being a college football player?

Well, Isaiah McKenzie doesn’t play like that, and he made a very clear decision: if he couldn’t lay pipe at college, he wasn’t going to go. So instead, he took his talents to Georgia, and I bet you he had more sex than you can ever dream of. Good for you, Isaiah McKenzie.

But the biggest travesty here, is that we now know that the Notre Dame football team has no sex. They have none at all. They’re out there week in and week out, putting on a show for priests and little boys everywhere, and when they’re done, all there is to do is go home, turn the lights off, light a candle, and retire to their beds with a bottle of lotion and a box of Kleenex. It’s a real travesty.

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Written by TFM

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