NYC Pizza Party Attacking Woke Government

New York City has decided that it cares more about the environment than pizza. Shocker, they pissed off everybody.

This past Sunday, the New York City Department of Environmental Protection (DEP) announced a new law that would require all pizza establishments using a coal or wood burning oven made before 2016 to cut carbon emissions. The goal is for each of these restaurants to drop emissions by 75% by either installing emission-control devices or removing their ovens altogether and swapping in natural gas ovens.

Owners of such pizza places have blasted the NYC government calling the new rule “unfunded,” claiming that it will cost them a ton of money as well as sacrificing the taste of the pies. A restaurant owner who wanted to remain anonymous told the New York Post “If you f—k around with the temperature in the oven you change the taste. That pipe, that chimney, it’s that size to create the perfect updraft, keeps the temp perfect, it’s an art as much as a science. You take away the char, the thing that makes the pizza taste great, you kill it.” 

Clearly, pizza makers aren’t interested in ditching their beloved ovens, but emission-control devices could cost them over $20,000. One owner who has already installed a control device has said that while it is expensive, the biggest struggle is maintaining it. “It’s not just the expense of having it installed, it’s the maintenance. I got to pay somebody to do it, to go up there every couple of weeks and hose it down and you know do the maintenance,” said Paul Giannone of the famous Paulie Gee’s in Brooklyn.

Despite the hassle, Giannone says that the devices don’t alter the taste of the pizza in any way. “If someone is trying to say that putting the scrubber in changes the flavor of the pizza they’re just trying to save themselves $20,000. No, it doesn’t affect what’s going on inside the oven,” Paulie G said.

Giannone seems slightly optimistic about the change, even noting that his neighbors have noticed a difference in the amount of smoke leaving his restaurant. However, many New Yorkers are still ticked off.

One self-proclaimed “freedom fighter” Scott LoBaido, took matters even further than Twitter when he tossed several full pies over the fence at New York City Hall.

Thousands of people have praised LoBaido for his “courageous acts” and have since dubbed him the leader of the New York City Pizza Party — a play on the Boston Tea Party.

There are clearly two sides to this debate: those who love pizza and those who want to have sexual relations with trees while they live on a floating cloud in the sky. Obviously, I choose the pizza side.

That said, I think people are freaking out a little bit too much. Of course I think this is a dumb rule, but it’s no worse than the paper straw bullshit that’s going on. In reality, this mainly screws over small businesses that will struggle to pay the $20,000 for the device installation. While big name coal-fire places like John’s of Bleeker, Grimaldi’s, and Lombardi’s will be affected, they have more than enough money to pay for the control system.

This isn’t truly a problem about pizza. NYC pizza will survive and remain a quintessential staple of the city. The real problem is that society has begun to care more about “doing good” than making people happy. Pizza is one of the most universal joys in life and the biggest supplier of that joy tried to limit its greatness. What’s next? Banning alcohol because people take too many pisses on trees? At some point, we need to realize that fun now outweighs fun for future generations that we’ll never meet. It’s time to go back to what made America so great: selfishness. Give me my foods and let my great grandchildren deal with it later.

Alex Becker

Written by Alex Becker

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