As someone who has never has a serious girlfriend, I am quite comfortable on dating sites. It’s the same way that you can get used to a bad toilet if you routinely take your morning poop there. It’s not ideal, but there’s beauty in the ritualistic nature of that suffering. Despite my lack of success on dating apps, (I’m orange and curvy) I have become an expert on their innerworkings through my keen observation skills. Here are the dos and don’ts on your dating profile.
DO: Use a picture of a dog
I don’t care if you don’t have a dog and are choosing to be intentionally misleading instead. Find a friend who has a dog and use their picture on your account. Get a picture of the dog from Marley and Me if you have to. Just have a dog on your profile. Trust me.
DON’T: Use any pictures with your handsome friends
This should be a universal strategy on dating apps, and maybe even social media. Only post pictures in which you are the most attractive person. This is tough, but necessary for people like me.
DO: Make a joke most people won’t find funny
I don’t care if no one has responded with laughs about the following answer on my Hinge profile: “Q: Your love language is? A: English.” That’s undeniably hilarious, and someone will fall in love with me for that.
DON’T: Post a picture without your shirt
It won’t look good. Unless you are in really good shape. In that case…
DO: Post a picture without your shirt
If you are in good shape, do it. Just don’t be at the gym, or flexing in any location. This will be a red flag for your personality that physical fitness won’t be able to overcome.
DON’T: Give a lot of information about yourself
Be vague. Leave them wanting more. Where did you grow up? They don’t need to know. Two truths and a lie? Ok, pal. Slow down. What’s your first pet’s name? Why don’t I just post my social security number on my account?
DO: Make your account look like a college brochure
If you have six pictures, you should represent at least four different ethnicities in them. Acceptance is really in with girls in their early twenties right now. Get some diversity on your account.
DON’T: Invite them to a pregame at your boy’s basement
I shouldn’t have to explain this, but I will. Just send her the info and see if she goes. Invites are too formal.
DO: Ask if a gorilla or a bear would win in a fight
This is an awesome conversation starter in every situation. It brings together men, women, and children. If she gives the wrong answer, chastise her, then unmatch.
DON’T: Create fake profiles to catfish your friends
As fun as this is, you will no longer be welcome on that platform. I learned that the hard way. I wish I was kidding.
