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Outer Banks Season Two Full Recap

Hello every other guy whose girlfriend made them watch Outer Banks and has spent the last week lying to their friends saying they’ve been working overtime because they’re too ashamed to admit that they’ve become infatuated with a crew of really attractive people in their mid-twenties pretending to be seventeen years old other Outer Banks fans. Last night I just finished season two, and I have a lot of thoughts/takeaways. There will be spoilers. 

Sarah Cameron Needs To Get On Antidepressants:

Imagine getting shot by your brother, finding out your Dad is a murderer, and hiding your boyfriend from the police all within….maybe two weeks time?? I know a lot of girls that have gotten Xanax prescriptions for a lot less. I can imagine a hypothetical conversation between Sarah Cameron and her freshman year roommate that goes a little something like this:

Roommate: oh you’re on Lexapro? I tried that after my parent’s divorce, but it made me too sluggish, so now I take Zoloft. 

Sarah Cameron: oh yeah well going into my senior year of high school my brother shot me because my boyfriend and I were trying to steal back four-hundred-million dollars worth of gold but it ended up being chill because then my Dad ended up setting himself on fire-but not really like kind of as a joke- and he almost killed me lol. So yeah, I’m on like fifteen milligrams a day. 

Cleo And Pope Are Totally Going To Fuck Next Season:

I don’t know how to say it, so I’m just going to say it. I got some BIG Eric Cartman South Park vibes from the way Cleo and Pope acted at the end of this season. Remember this episode? 

C’mon Outer Banks writers room; it’s 2021. SMH.

What’s The Deal With Rafe:

I’m fairly certain that the actor that played Rafe is on the spectrum, or he’s just the greatest actor of all time. Not since Adam Gase coaching the Jets have I seen someone without autism be able to act like a person with autism. The repeating the same word four times, the weird psychotic freak outs, and the little mannerisms like pulling his hair have left me MIND BLOWN about this guy. There’s no way this was acting. This guy 100% kills people in his free time. His whole performance was pre-crime. Lock him up and throw away the key (this take has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that my girlfriend said she wants Rafe to “run her over”- this is all me, and I’m not projecting at all). 

Rose Cameron Should Be Hotter:

You’re telling me a power-hungry douchebag with a lot of money remarries to a six? I don’t fucking think so. Rose needs to be five years older than Ward’s oldest child with fake tits so big that the Reddit thread r/ScarlettJohanssonTits stops in their tracks. The most unrealistic part of this show isn’t the fact that five seventeen-year-olds find the treasure that’s been sought after for hundreds of years or that John B’s Dad is still alive despite being left at sea bleeding from his brain- it’s Rose. Most of you reading this right now know at least one rich guy that skipped town on his first wife and kids for a shallow smokeshow with extensions; I sure as hell know my fair amount, so why would the biggest narcissist on this show stray from that norm? 

There Is A Woman In Her late-thirties That Has Too Much Influence In The Writer’s Room:

There were some MAJOR what the fuck? Moments where I KNEW that there’s a woman in her late-thirties/ early-forties that was like, “Hey, my kids talk about this shotgunning thing. Let’s have a lot of that in season two.” One shotgunning reference, fine- I get it. But THIRTEEN. What the fuck is this? A suburban sixteen-year-old’s birthday party? 

Also, why were they pretending to get high off of juuling? That whole phenomenon was incredibly strange. I’m pretty sure whoever wrote this season of Outer Banks is a little bit confused on what a Juul does to someone. And maybe the worst part of the whole season, the memorable moment when they dropped a “that’s sus” in there. RIP “that’s sus” (2020-2021).

Kiara Is An Annoying Social Media Follow:

I don’t know if it’s because she’s loaded and tries to relate to the struggles of poor kids her age or the fact that she is overwhelmingly environmentally conscious, but all signs point to Kiara being an Impact girl (a term I will trademark one day). Let it be known that being environmentally conscious is a good thing- I just think that if you’re the type of person that picks up a plastic bag off the street and announces it to the world, then you probably fucking suck. Kiara seems like the type of girl who quote tweets a five-second clip of Kamala Harris saying she “eats no for breakfast” and says MADAM Vice President 🥺😛. On election day, Kiara posted so many Instagram stories of Joe Biden eating ice cream you thought you were watching a Dairy Queen ad for a second. Kiara seems like the type of person who wears a band-tee-shirts and posts vscos of her pierced nipples and candles. I digress. 

The Pogues For Life Thing Has Gotten Laughably Out Of Hand:

We get it; it’s A Tale Of Two Cities type story. There is more than enough context for us to conclude that the kids raised in “The Cut” have had it way harder than the kids their age on Figure-Eight Island. It was made very clear in the first season. The whole “pogues for life” thing was a nice term of endearment at first, but holy fuck does it get annoying. Even worse, it’s wildly unrealistic. Here’s how that scenario ACTUALLY plays out between three seventeen-year-old guys. 

What do you think?

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Written by Bobby D'Angelo

TFM middle school penis game champion. Rutgers student.

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