I’m one of those people who immediately has a joke after a public tragedy, but can’t think of a line to say to a human woman who is looking at me in the eyes. This means I need to have all pickup lines written before the act is done to make sure I don’t step up to the plate and comment about precipitation patterns. But most pickup lines are too generic and cheesy. This is why I have a pickup line for every social setting.
Generic Bar
“Wanna buy me a drink?”
I stole this from The League. It is an incredibly confident way to approach a girl at a bar without seeming generic. If it works, you get a conversational intro, and a quenched thirst.
Open Bar/Wedding
“Can I buy you a drink?”
This is a great way to hilariously pretend to be nice enough to get them a drink. In reality you are just adding to the order you are already getting, and starting a conversation in the process.
Sports Game
“Oh you’re a fan of *insert team name*? Name ten of their players.”
This is great because it gives the girl a chance to prove herself to you, which she feels she needs to do. Also, if she can’t do it, she’s a liar who isn’t worth your precious time.
Beach/Lake/Pool
“Wanna see this belly flop?”
Your pain tolerance will definitely impress them. Also, it’s the only way you can turn that lumpy bag of skin you call a stomach into a plus when the tarps come off.
Dating App
“What’s your social security number?”
I must admit this one rarely leads to intimacy.
Class
“I was thinking of putting a study group together. I can also do twenty-two consecutive pushups and sleep in a twin bed if any of these facts are of interest to you.”
One of these facts will interest her. It just won’t be the study group.
Asking Out a Friend
“If you don’t let me take you to dinner, I’m going to hurl my body off the golden gate bridge.”
If she’s really your friend, she will care too much about you to let you do this. Also, you said, “take you to dinner,” which shows her that you are chivalrous.
Funeral
“Your husband was a great man. Here’s my phone number if you’d like to replace him with a great boy.”
Give them a tissue too. People always love the someone who consoles them while they are crying.
Any Other Situation
“My mother always said honesty was the best policy. Can I interest you in some sexual disappointment?”
The worst they can say is no, right?
