Predicting The AFC South

Jaguars:

I love the Jacksonville Jaguars like corporations pretend to love BIPOC communities. I love the theatrics, I love the rainy games in London, I love the dumpster fire, I love it all. I don’t think it’s fair to judge Trevor Lawerence’s rookie season because his coach perpetually acted like an SAE off of two sticks, but we can say that with Doug Pederson at the helm, things will improve. Christian Kirk is a phenomenal receiver considering he has to stand on his tippy-toes during squad pics, Travis Etienne will be exciting to watch, and it really can’t get worse than last year on offense, right? The Jags’ front seven on d is R.L. Stein level scary. Josh Allen and Travon Walker are both beasts, but improvements could certainly be made. Their over-under is listed at six and a half. I’m taking the under for six wins. Also, there’s value in +700 for them to win the division. If Trevor Lawerence is really the next Peyton Manning, it’s not impossible.

Texans:

There are good teams, and there are bad teams, and then there’s fifty feet of shit where the Houston Texans reside. I get it, it’s fun to complain about your franchise-I do it all the time, but Texans fans are on a different level. Me complaining to a Texans fan is like a girl complaining about her toxic boyfriend to somebody in Ukraine. I can’t even think of more than two players you could put on tickets. Davis Mills looks like your older sister’s fiance that gets a little too drunk at Thanksgiving and makes a weird joke about Millie Bobby Brown. Houston claims there’s going to be a rebuild, but I have a feeling that, like most of my ex-girlfriends, it’s never going to come. The only enjoyable part of watching Texans games is watching Frank Thomas promote testosterone pills; that’s a guy I want nowhere near my Mom. Three wins.

Colts:

Everyone is coming out with this “hot take” that this will be Matt Ryan’s best season since 2016, and it’s stupid. He’s thirty-seven years old. I know people five years younger than him that can’t please their girlfriend without a pill. Michael Pittman is the real deal Holyfield. Even without two starters from last year, that offensive line could protect a passer better than Kyle Rittenhouse at Raytheon’s HQ, and Jonathan Taylor is a stud. Gus Bradley is going to ROTC that defense into shape; I think they are a sleeper fantasy pick this year that will do a much better job getting pressure on opposing QBs compared to years past. I don’t love the Colts, but with how inept this division is, they’re still going to win ten games.

Titans:

There’s buzz that Ryan Tannahill is having a great training camp, okay I guess? This is going to be one of the most interesting storylines in all of football. Derrick Henry is obviously the best running back in the league, the offensive line could be incredible or piss poor, and they have a top ten defense in the NFL. As RustyRanksBeers would say, I think Ryan Tannehill gets you where you need to go, but against the elite quarterbacks of the NFL, he comes off flatter than the girl in your grade that stuffed her bra in middle school. I’m bullish on the Titans just because of their front seven and Derrick Henry. Treylon Burks is going to have a monster rookie season, and the Titans will win eleven games and the division.