Pregnancy Cravings I Imagine I’d Have if I Was a Woman

I am not a woman, nor do I identify as one. However, I, like many other people, often get incredibly odd cravings at random times. For example, I really wanted to eat an entire bag of Starburst jelly beans at 9:30 this morning (I stayed strong, don’t worry). This was one of my weirdest cravings in a while, which made me start to imagine the types of cravings I would have if I was first, a woman, and secondly, pregnant. Here are some of my findings:

Cheeto Puffs and Peanut Butter

I know this is probably a weird one to start right off the bat with, but I honestly don’t think this would be terrible. I’m a HUGE Chicago mix popcorn guy (cheddar and caramel if you weren’t aware) and I really don’t think that Cheeto Puffs and some Skippy peanut butter would taste all that awful. Sure, it’d be messy as hell, but that’s what you have a shower for. 


When I got super deep into my pregnancy, I imagine that I’d be super insecure about how fat I was. After a couple hours scrolling on mommy lifestyle websites, I’d probably stumble upon some stupid article that proclaims seaweed as the healthiest possible thing you could eat while pregnant and proceed to buy twenty-five pounds of it. 


I would never willingly go to an Arby’s and purchase their food for my own consumption. That stuff is vile. However, who knows what I’d want when I have a child growing in my stomach! I feel like since I have such a strong hatred for Arby’s now when I’m not pregnant, all those raging hormones would completely switch up my cravings once I was pregnant and I would have Arby’s for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. 


Similar to Arby’s, I’ve never really been tempted to smoke a cigarette and I don’t plan on starting anytime soon. But, once I’m pregnant, anything is on the table in terms of my cravings. I think because pregnant women aren’t supposed to smoke cigarettes since they are “harmful for your child”, I’d be tempted to push the boundaries and light up here and there. 

BeanBoozled Jelly Beans (Only the Bad Ones)

For my final pregnancy craving, I believe that the BeanBoozled Jelly Beans would be a popular choice for my little guy and me. But, only the really nasty ones. I’m talking rotten eggs, boogers, and even puke. I don’t want any of the soft “bad” tasting jelly beans, like toothpaste (lowkey tastes good), because those are the kind I’d be somewhat okay with eating when I wasn’t pregnant. From my extensive scientific background (ninth-grade biology), I know for a fact that all of my taste buds would change when I’m pregnant, so the really awful flavors would turn into far and away the best-tasting jelly beans of all time.

Written by the godfather

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