Presidents I’d Get Drunk With

Franklin Pierce:

Yes. Franklin Pierce would have fucking loved Lil Peep. Two months before his inauguration, Frank was on a train with his wife and son when an axel split in half, causing the train to crash. His son didn’t just die but died in what has been described as one of the most gruesome ways possible, right in front of Franklin Pierce and his wife. During his entire presidency, his wife blamed him for the death of their child, and he was half in the bag, more depressed than a college Freshman walking home from the library on a cold February night. Me and Frank Pierce, some whiskey, maybe a Qweeb, he’s talking about his dead son, I’m talking about my exes, Lil Peep is on in the background- just guys being depressed. I would 100% be down to get a little sad with Frank Pierce.  

Richard Nixon:

Yes. On a recent episode of Matt & Shane’s Secret Podcast, Louis C.K. told a story of how in the 90’s, he was close with a guy who was a former friend of Nixon’s, and that man supposedly told him that if you get a few drinks in Nixon, he will tell you that the same interest group that killed JFK nailed Watergate on him. We’ve all seen House of Cards. We’ve all seen Succession; if you think Watergate was that bad ask the millions of dead civilians six feet under because of our post-Cold War proxy wars how disgusting it was. Plus, I’ve wanted a friend named Dick.

Bill Clinton:

No. Have any of you guys ever met your friend’s friend from like high school or something and you’re just having a casual conversation and then they tell you a story or say something that’s so completely out of pocket that you have no option but to laugh uncomfortably. That’s how this would go. We’d be at a bar, and I’d be like, “yo Bill, you see that Sophomore with the big tits? I think we should buy her and her friend’s drinks,” and he’d be like, “Sophomore in what?” and I’d be like “college dude,” and he’d be like “ew way too old.” Pass.

William Howard Taft:

Yes. Taft is the bathtub guy. Whether or not this is true, who cares? It’s hilarious. Taft seems like the type of guy that thinks farts are hilarious. Taft throws the remote at the TV when Luka Doncik, over 24.5 points doesn’t hit. He’s a jovial-ass dude.

George W. Bush: Yes. I have questions. 

Woodrow Wilson: No. Woodrow Wilson is the WOAT. In a time when this country is politically divided, we can all get behind hating Woodrow Wilson. When you look at the history of presidents, a bunch of morons will discredit every single one of them for “being problematic” with no rationality and the insane thought that if they lived back in that period of time, they would have been incredibly morally righteous and wouldn’t have succumbed to social pressures. But there are a few Presidents where you can point out where America was at that period and be like, “yo, that guy wasn’t just keeping up appearances. He was being racist for the love of the game.” Woodrow Wilson was one of those guys + he was a liberal who loved his elitist liberal friends. L + ratio + stroke. 

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