Giants:
Daniel Jones should be your older sister’s boyfriend who works at Merill Lynch and gets a little too drunk at Thanksgiving, but instead, he’s still an NFL Quarterback. You know when you’re at a bar, and it’s a little too crowded, so you lightly shove a guy out of your way so you can piss? A friend of mine did that to Daniel Jones without realizing it was Daniel Jones at Parker House earlier this summer, and he did nothing. That’s not a franchise quarterback nor a guy who can confidently lead a team onto a football field. Giants’ PFF grades look worse than ADD ACT scores without extra time, the front office is a revolving door of guys who look like they lost everything in a divorce, and their owner claimed last year was the most embarrassing of his sixty-seven years around the team. I liked their coaching moves and draft, but if you put truffle sauce on dogshit, it tastes better, but it’s still dogshit. Six wins.
Eagles:
I’m obviously biased but I think the Eagles will win the NFC East. The additions of bad, bad A.J. Brown- the baddest man in the whole damn town, James Bradberry, and Jordan Davis all look pretty spectacular on paper. If Jalen Hurts can improve on his late reads and throw the ball more accurately, you’re going to see a lot less of my mental health Tik Toks because it’s possible that I might feel joy. The Birds have the best O-line in the league, a top ten defense, and two guys that can receive better than Riley Reid. If this team can stay healthy, you will see me eleven beers deep at Xfinity come mid-January. Eleven wins.
Cowboys:
The Cowboys’ Executive Vice President Stephen Jones said, “I don’t think you ever win the Super Bowl in the offseason.” The only thing stupider than that quote is Mike McCarthy’s clock management which is somehow worse than my pullout game. If you didn’t win the Super Bowl last year, how the fuck do you expect to this year with a less talented roster? Much like when your plug starts mixing creatine in with the yey, the Cowboys will go into this year with worse lines on both sides of the ball. Their offensive line is like a ’90s band still selling out tours because of their reputation and not what they are now, and on defense, they lost Randy Gregory. You get a team with a good run game against the Cowboys this year, and it will be more destructive than Sherman’s March to Sea. Nine wins.
Commanders:
I grew up with this kid down the street who had some problems. You would like…look over at him, and he’d be eating a crayon and banging his head against a tree until it broke skin. Even from an early age, I understood that it would be mean to poke fun at him or tease him in any way. I have the same relationship with the Washington Commanders. Let’s give them seven wins and call it a day.
