I live with four other guys, and as you can imagine, there are some pretty unintelligent things said on a daily basis. My roommate has taken to documenting some of the more ridiculous quotes from our group, and I’ve got to give him some credit because it’s absolutely fantastic. So, to give you a glimpse into what I hear on a daily basis, here are the some of the quotes and what inspired that thing to be said because without the context I’d be giving a really poor portrayal of the guys I live with.
“I’m gonna buss all over this pizza,” – Me
This was said at about 2a.m. on a Saturday morning after I got back to my room with a killer pie: sausage, pepperoni, bacon, red onions, green peppers, tomatoes, and ranch. So yes, in theory, I was going to “buss” all over the pizza, but in a much more realistic sense, all I was going to do was eat it too fast and contemplate throwing up so my stomach would stop hurting.
“Mr. Wonderful would eat you out,” – Roommate A to Roommate B
I’d love to name names, but I’m sure the fellas wouldn’t really appreciate me exposing them like that. Anyway, we were watching Shark Tank, and Roommate B starts talking about how he would “body” a Shark Tank pitch. That’s when Roommate A chimed in with that solid gold line. I’m pretty sure what he meant to say was “eat you alive,” but what we got instead was not only the implication that Roommate B has a vagina but that on top of that, Mr. Wonderful would go down on him.
“Just shaved my nuts! Now I look prepubescent in more ways than one down there!” – Roommate C
I mean, that’s just comedy gold right there. There’s nothing better than making a small dick joke about yourself, and the delivery of that line was perfect. To make things even better, he said it while still just wearing a towel, and in my memory, he was also still holding his ball trimmer. I can’t verify that as fact, but it makes the image so much better.
“Am I just someone to buss on to you?” – Roommate C to Me
Since the night I said that I was going to “buss all over this pizza,” we all kind of started to use the word “buss” as a way to say devour food. It’s a little bit sus, but funny. This quote came when I asked Roommate C if I could buss on his steak sauce, which was some kind of garlic butter spread and was HEAT, to which he decided to respond with the above quote. The second he said it, he knew he had made a mistake, and the look of disappointment on his face only made the situation better.
“I just came in your mouth at like 1,000pmh,” – Roommate D to Roommate A
In all honesty, Super Smash Bros. is a game that constantly causes some really weird things to be said, but this one was an all timer. Diddy Kong’s jet pack was fully charged up and when he flew back onto the map, Wario caught him in his mouth and chomped on him to gain health. If you’ve never played the game, that probably still sounds really weird, so you’ll just have to take my word for it when I say that it was a pretty accurate description of what happened.
Said in song: “Time to masturbate!” – Roommate B
The story to this one makes the quote 10x better. I’m in my room writing an essay, and all of a sudden, I hear that little jingle come from the common room. I, of course, assumed that it was done for my benefit, so I responded, “Big day for ya, huh, buddy?” That’s when Roommate B walked into my room and said, “Oh, shit, I didn’t know you were here.” Well, that’s when I lost it. I thought it was hilarious when I assumed that it was a joke intended for me to hear. Finding out that he believed he was the only one in the room sent it to a new level. It really makes me wonder what he does when there’s actually no one in the room.