With Thanksgiving officially less than one week away, I figured it would be a great time to dish out my Turkey Day Feast rankings. I know this is the moment you’ve all been waiting for, so I hope I don’t disappoint. Here are my top 10 Thanksgiving foods in order.
10. Green Beans
Obviously a vegetable is going to wind up last on this list. I don’t care if they’re steamed or thrown in some white woman’s casserole, there is no chance I’m putting green beans on my plate. Thanksgiving is a day of carbs. There’s no space on your plate for greens. Everyone knows the ideal Thanksgiving plate should be the same color palate as Donald Trump, so stick with your yellows, oranges, browns, and whites.
This may be a hot take, especially considering I just called Thanksgiving “Turkey Day” moments ago, but turkey is one of the worst parts of Thanksgiving. Everyone eats it, mostly out of a sign of respect for the pilgrims and to get some sort of protein in for the day, but no one looks forward to Thanksgiving for the turkey. I mean the only thing drier than the turkey on Thanksgiving is that conversation that you get stuck in with your dementiated 87-year-old great aunt. Turkey is like Jess in New Girl, technically it’s the star, but it’s not what we’re here for.
8. Cranberry sauce
Cranberry sauce is tricky to rank because there are two types. There is the jelly type that just looks like a block of jell-o in the shape of a can. And then there is fresh cranberry sauce with real chunks of fruit in it that doesn’t look like it would last through an apocalypse. Here’s the thing: I fucking hate fresh cranberries. They’re sour, gross, and don’t belong anywhere near other Thanksgiving foods. However, cranberry jell-o can have my children. I don’t know what it is, but I guess I just love processed foods because I’ll eat that Chef Boyardee cranberry sauce with a spoon if I need to.
First of all, what the fuck is a yam? Is that just what we call sweet potatoes in November? Whatever they are, I sure fucks with them. Are they my first choice starch? Definitely not. They are a bit of an oddball when it comes to plate cohesion, but if you treat them like a dessert they will not disappoint. Go ahead and top them with some marshmallows and cinnamon, maybe a candied pecan or two if you’re feeling dangerous.
Could I have put the roll a bit higher on this list? Sure, but I also could have put it lower. That’s the thing with the roll, it’s not gonna blow you away, but boy is it consistent. A simple roll with butter never fails, but taking one of those bad boys and giving it a quick tour of your entire plate in order to get the perfect bite is absolute bliss. Sure, the roll may just be a vessel for flavor, but don’t you dare ever take the vessel for granted again. You know who else took vessels for granted? Amelia Earhart, and she is dead now.
5. Mashed potatoes
I don’t think anyone dislikes mashed potatoes. I mean what’s not to like? They’re creamy, buttery, and go with everything. Mashed potatoes are so good that people are starting to make them with cauliflower. You know something is good when yoga pant-vegan white women try to make a healthy alternative of it.
4. Pumpkin Pie
Fall is pumpkin season and there is no better pumpkin dish than traditional pumpkin pie. Fuck your Trader Joe’s pumpkin mac and cheese and Hefty pumpkin garbage bags, this is the real deal for real pumpkin lovers. If you don’t like pumpkin pie, all I have to say to you is grow the fuck up.
3. Macaroni and cheese
I’m not gonna lie, mac n’ cheese has #1 potential. If it weren’t for the fact that this is a year-round item, mac would definitely crack the top two. I mean just in terms of appeal, everyone likes macaroni and cheese from the newborn celebrating their first Thanksgiving to Grandpa who hasn’t spoken since Vietnam.
Stuffing is the Arby’s of Thanksgiving. It kinda looks like vomit and often has the same consistency too, but boy is it delicious. I know there is bread in it, so that’s always a plus — unless you’re a weak little pansy whose demise can come from a single grain of gluten, if so please get the fuck outta my face and never speak to me, your opionions are invalid. Everything about stuffing is great, even the little bits of onion and celery they sneak in there, and that’s coming from a guy who hates vegetables more than Kanye hates good publicity.
Gravy is like pre-divorce Tom Brady. Everything it touches turns to gold. Sure, on its own gravy may not seem like anything special, but if you give gravy just a morsel of potential to work with, it will create greatness. Turkey is like Julian Edelman/Wes Welker/Danny Amendola/Chris Hogan/Scottie Miller, it’s only there because old white men said it should be and would suck if it was playing with anyone other than gravy, but when two come together, you get a 7-time champion dish. Gronk would then be your mashed potatoes: solid on his own, unstoppable when paired with gravy. Pretty sound analogy, isn’t it?