Ranking the Continental United States’ five regions

As a resident of the United States, what would you say is your biggest identifier? Is it the fact you are a citizen of America? Is it the state in which you reside? Perhaps the niche little town you call home?

Some argue that regions are their biggest identifier. As someone who only desires conflict, I felt it was only right to rank the continental states’ five regions against each other.


Look, I like the Midwest, it has some cool states and some solid geography. Chicago is an awesome city and Michigan is one of the best college states in America. 

But let’s be honest here, 9 of the 12 states in the Midwest are bottom-tier states. The Dakotas might be the most lonely place in the US, and somehow Iowa is even worst. I’ve never met anyone from Nebraska, and Indiana is a prime shit hole. 

Some of you are gonna get mad about this. So what? Are you gonna die on the “Midwest is an elite region” hill? What hill? You have the flattest region ever, you can see Missouri from Ohio. Go take a walk.  


If any of you southwesterners get mad at being this low, just understand that the largest gap in quality from any of these regions is gonna be from the midwest to here. After the midwest, the next four regions are pretty close together. I cannot stress how much of a bottom tier the midwest is.

The South West is America’s desert, but in that desert lies natural beauty and some of our nation’s most historic places, such as the grand canyon and the Hoover dam.

Every state besides Oklahoma is solid, and Texas is whatever you think of it. The lack of population and diversity is what makes the southwest 4th on my list. 


The South East has the strongest opinions of any region in the US. People either love the south or they hate it with a burning passion. That’s why it ends up as three here. 

The South’s main problem is that it’s so damn similar. AK, LA, MS, AL, GA, TN, NC, and SC are all eerily similar. The same type of people, the same type of doings, only differentiated by their loyalty to an SEC or ACC school and different sizes in Vineyard Vines. 

Thanos would love the South because it’s perfectly balanced. For every Hilton Head, there is a Myrtle beach. For every Vanderbilt, there is an Alabama. For every Incest baby, there is a Bo Jackson. 


If this was a biased ranking, the North East would be on top of this list. But I am a professional, and I’ll be damned if I don’t report honestly here.

With that said, I fucking love the northeast; it’s so shitty. The weather is average, and the people are mean, but it’s home. The NE was America before we were America, and we must respect that, no matter how shitty the people are. And the cherry on top is that people in the NE know they are assholes; that’s what makes it great. 

The only nice parts are gonna be north of Massachusetts. You get into the bread basket of Vermont, Maine, Rhode Island, etc, and you’re in heaven. The food is great there, the land is beautiful, the people are nice and every single state has that small-town feel. 

And You might say “well I don’t know anything about Delaware ”. Well, let me tell you friend, Delaware knows a lot about you, ⅔ of all fortune 500 companies are headquartered in Delaware. Delaware picked your lunch today and you don’t even know it.  

Also not to be overlooked is that the North East is the only region to have fairly balanced seasons, you get your fall, winter, spring, and summer like a normal human being. 


When I first started writing this, I didn’t think the West would be top 2. 

But then you get to thinking, and you realize the western region has the best geography by far. The best national parks are all in the west, and if you dig winter sports or mountain biking, you are in the prime part of that world. 

Then you have diversity, the pacific northwest couldn’t be more different from So-Cal, and So-Cal couldn’t be more different from Utah and Colorado. Every type of lifestyle can be found in the Western United States.

Are a lot of people in the west fake? For sure. Is the west popping? No doubt. There is always shit going on, whether it be Hollywood action, some vague San Fran-based political movement, or ted Bundy going on a killing streak, the west is BUSY. 

Not to mention that the west coast has elite food, colleges, towns, and sports teams. It’s the west coast size and diversity that takes the cake for me.

And if we were to throw Hawaii and Alaska in this, the west would separate itself even further from the pack. Probably the two coolest states. 

Written by tfmdirtymike

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  1. I think this may be the greatest piece of literature ever written. Thank you TFMDirtyMike for blessing the interwebs with your rankings. The west has now skyrocketed to my #1 place to live.

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