Reasons I Haven’t Had Sex

I could put every one of my sexual experiences under the same reason: luck. Reasons I haven’t had sex, on the other hand, is a list that can go on for miles. I’ve blundered my fair share of sexual opportunities. Although most of them were likely pretty simple, the reasons in my head are not.

My friends

One friend of mine who is a particular piece-of-human-garbage once interrupted a conversation I was having with a girl to ask me the name of a porno we were talking about earlier that night. AIDS didn’t block Magic Johnson’s cock as much as he blocked mine that night.

It was cold

Who has the ability to spit game to a girl in the cold. I’m like Peyton Manning in bad weather. Only if he was also bad in warm weather.

I was too drunk

We’ve all been here. You were talking to a girl for a little bit but you had one too many vodka sodas to pretend to care about the story she is telling about her little. Just leave in the middle of her sentence. It’ll save you from saying something really honest mean.

I wasn’t drunk enough

There’s kind of a sweet spot that I need to be in to have a chance of convincing a woman to get naked in front of me. What do sober people talk to girls about, weather or something?

I’m bad at talking to women

This probably is the most common reason. I don’t know why, but the girl who I approached and said, “You’re really pretty. What’s your social security number?” did not find it funny. Clearly it was a joke. She was only a little pretty.

I was hungry

Yeah I saw that girl over at the bar making eyes at me but you know what would really hit right now? A large Baconator combo. Anyone else tryna head out?

I wanted to smoke weed

After talking to a girl for five minutes and going nowhere, I’ll get so drunk I have to leave. Just so I can go home and reunite with the one woman who’s always there for me, Ruth Bader Bongsburg.


This one happens a lot.

Lactose Intolerance

Any amount of cheese before a date is too much cheese. Me and Charlie Kelley learned this the hard way.

Margot Robbie hasn’t answered my DM

Margot, I’m not sure if you pay someone to handle your account, but my offer to take you to the Olive Garden in Willow Grove, PA is still on the table. 

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Written by TFM

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