Reasons I Would Enjoy Prison

I’ve watched enough scenes from Orange Is The New Black on X-rated websites to know that prison can’t be truly all bad. I may not get to see Laura Prepon naked, but I’m sure I could make the best out of some time in the clink.

Free Food

On an average week at college, I spend north of $100 easily just on food alone, so imagine how much money I’d be saving with three hot meals free of charge while locked up. It might not be as good as the Wendy’s that shows up on my doorstep after a late-night DoorDash, but free is free. 

I’ve Always Wanted To Try Toilet Wine

I’m something of an experimentalist when it comes to alcohol consumption. A lot like sex positions, I’ll try anything once. The thing about toilet wine, though (at least from my understanding), is that in order for it to be the real deal, you’ve gotta make it in prison, which means I’ll need to be incarcerated to get the true experience. 

I’ve Always Wanted to Stab Someone

Ever since I was a child, there’s always been a part of me that’s felt a strong desire to jam a shiv or a shank into someone if they ever gave me too much lip. I’d also be able to learn the difference between a shiv and a shank, so that would be an added bonus, too.

I Could Tell People I Went to Prison

One of the coolest things about going to prison has to be the ability to seem like an absolute hardo by saying, “Yeah, I did a dime in the joint for whackin’ a guy for a nickel.” Men fear you, women fear you… a lot of people fear you. I’d like to be feared because writing these blogs seems to have done a bit of a number on the street cred I picked up rolling that stop sign back in 2019.

Acceptable to Masturbate in Public

Realistically, this would be the most likely reason I’d ever end up in prison. I spend too much time thinking about Sydney Sweeney naked to have control of myself every second of the day. At least if I did get put away for this, though, I’d be able to tame my taliwhacker any time that I wanted to.

If I ever did go to prison, though, I know it wouldn’t all be roses and daisies. I’ve got something of a dump truck for an ass, and I’m much too clumsy with bars of soap to make it through years of prison showers unscathed.

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Written by TFM

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