I watched so much football yesterday that I dreamt about being sued for domestic violence last night. As scary as it was to wake up screaming, “ALLEGEDLY,” on repeat, it was worth it so I could recap this week’s action for you.
49ers vs. Giants
A co-worker of mine is a big 49ers fan. As much as I like making Brock Purdy jokes to mildly annoy him, the 49ers look so good. There was never a doubt in this game. They might go undefeated until they go to Philly. Also, the Giants were a fluke last year.
Lions vs. Falcons
If we were comparing quarterbacks to meals your parents made you as a kid, Jared Goff is peanut butter and jelly. It’s fine, but you would rather have something a bit more substantial. He’s good enough to handle the Falcons, though.
Vikings vs. Chargers
In a game with two talented quarterbacks, and no qualified head coaches, these teams looked for chances to lose. The Chargers won, so Brandon Staley keeps his job for now. The NFL should fine both of these teams for wasted talent on a weekly basis.
Packers vs. Saints
The Saints weren’t able to get much offense from Derek Carr before his injury, or Jameis Winston after it. The Packers also didn’t get much from Jordan Love, who appears to be on the path to a career as average as the Saints signal callers.
Jaguars vs. Texans
Trevor Lawrence would’ve been embarrassed to lose to CJ Stroud at Ohio State. Losing to him in the NFL was pathetic. He played a great game, but the Texans are a bad team. Jacksonville needs to figure it out, or the AFC South might end in a four-way tie.
Dolphins vs. Broncos
You know that meme with the guys standing behind that tiny little white girl on the couch. The Broncos were that girl on the couch, but only if there were twice as many guys in picture. This was destruction.
Browns vs. Titans
Boring. Derrick Henry can no longer carry an offense. At least not an offense with Ryan Tannehill at quarterback.
Commanders vs. Bills
For those of you who had fun with the Sam Howell hype through two weeks, I invite you to join us back in reality. He was picked off four times, and made a few highlight reel plays with his legs. As an Eagles fan, it was nice to see their quarterback was so inspired by Carson Wentz’ leadership.
Ravens vs. Colts
The Ravens should be one of the best teams in the NFL. At the end of the season, they likely will be. That being said, Baltimore plays up or down to every team in their path. Also, Justin Tucker didn’t have enough leg for a sixty-one yard kick. That’s weird.
Jets vs. Patriots
The Jets streak of losing in New England continues. Zach Wilson looked as bad as he ever has, and the Jets sideline was blowing up on each other. I don’t know if Belicheck is more disappointed in the current state of the Jets, or that his team only beat them by five.
Seahawks vs. Panthers
The Seahawks ran the ball all day, and the Panthers offense looked slightly less flat with Andy Dalton than they have with Bryce Young. That was pretty much it, so I’m using this as a chance to say that Laviska Shenault is one of the most underutilized players in football. I’d thoroughly discuss my father’s sexual career with him to get Shenault in the Eagles’ slot.
Chiefs vs. Bears
Travis Kelce had a pretty famous guest in the stands today. You could tell him and the Chiefs were trying to impress her, as they ran up the score on the Bears all day. As a result, Donna Kelce looked really excited in the Chiefs box during the win.
Cardinals vs. Cowboys
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Excuse me, I’m almost done. Hahahahahaha. The Cowboys lost to a team coached by Johnathon Gannon, and quarterbacked by Josh Dobbs. Football wasn’t all the way back, but now that Dak threw a pick to seal an embarrassing Dallas loss, it sure is.
Raiders vs. Steelers
Jimmy Garropolo claimed that he feels at home with the Raiders. He must mean that he feels comfortable throwing to no one other than Davante Adams, because that’s what he did all night. Also, this Calvin Austin guy can run.