Texas Christian University:
You know at least five kids from California you hate and three you love. The only thing that brings you more joy than a greeting from Cindy at the Blue is looking at old Snapchat memories made in Sherley Hall. You’ve walked to Chic Fil-A on Sunday and felt about as stupid as a certain person that left a certain incriminating laptop at a certain computer repair shop in Wilmington, Delaware. If you’re a girl, you either love drugs and fashion or country music and god. There are some of you in between. You will marry a guy that you fell in love with in an Uber home from seventh street; he will put on some pounds and spend the weekends golfing with his friends in corporate real estate.
Of your two closest friends, one of their Moms is significantly younger than the Dad and drives a G-wagon. You’ve overheard a girl having an existential crisis about hitting the slopes post-nose-job, and the girl you are currently interested in has the WASPiest name imaginable. You pretend like your above wearing a gigantic fucking Vineyard Vines whale on the back of your shirt, but your Christmas cards from middle school say differently. You should be better at golf for as much as you get to play, but you know how to throw a dye into a solo cup with the best of ’em, so it slides. Your parents put more pressure on you to get a good summer internship than TJ Watt puts on AFC North quarterbacks, and over 150 of your mutuals on Instagram follow Litquidity.
If you’re a girl, you have a star in your Instagram next to your sorority’s letters and, depending on why you’re on your knees on Sunday mornings, a psalm. Texas Tech is the most underappreciated fun school in the Nation. Yes, the Jungle Juice there is about as trustworthy as the air in Chornobyl, but these people know how to have fun. We are talking about a group of people that love football, Zach Bryan, and putting their livers on the line for four (sometimes five) years, and I really don’t think you’ll find better folks than that. The only thing in Texas that sticks out like a sore thumb more than an SMU kid outside of Dallas is somebody from Tech driving a Prius. If you are a guy from Texas Tech, half of your Instagram photos are with your ex-girlfriend from high school on a baseball or football field, you’ve stolen several street signs, and you’re only a little confused why your school has the word “tech” in it.
UT Austin: All your water cups used to serve Margaritas at the restaurant you took them from, and you’ve had a conversation with a homeless guy that, at the moment, you thought would change your perception of life, but you didn’t remember it the next morning. You’re smart, but it doesn’t come naturally to you. You have a friend that’s obsessed with NAV, and you’re going to see me when I come to visit in November.
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