Saturday Mornings

They start by waking up way too early in a state of confusion, usually due to the fact that you don’t always have a recollection getting into your bed the night before. Once you’ve gotten a grasp on what’s going on, you’ll realize that you have a pounding headache, and your mouth is drier than a seventy-five-year-old nun’s vagina. But before you can get your head under the bathroom faucet to guzzle water like your life depends on it, there’s going to be a mad dash to the toilet. You’ve still got about forty-eight ounces of liquid putting serious pressure on your bladder, and if you’ve managed to not piss the bed in your slumber, you’ll be doing unprecedented acrobatics over empties and dirty laundry to take a leak that’s stream color will make you feel like you’re Shia LaBeouf in Holes, who hasn’t seen water in days. After that’s taken care of and you’ve appropriately dumped water down your throat, pop a couple Advil because it’s time to accomplish the trickiest part of the morning: going back to sleep. 

If you’ve been able to complete everything I just talked about in the right amount of time, you’ll be able to get back into bed and fall asleep as if nothing happened. It’s a tough task to accomplish because it requires acting swiftly enough that you’re not up for too long while also making sure that you don’t exert too much energy because that will cause your body to enter full awake mode. If that happens, you’re now at a crossroad: do you suck it up and get up for the day or do you get back in bed and wait for sleep to come again? I personally go with the latter of these two options because there’s nothing worse than having to delay commencing suckdown on Saturday night because the nap you took ended up lasting a bit too long. So, pop on whatever mindless show you want to watch on Netflix, make sure that your blinds are drawn, turn off any lights, and go back to bed. If you’re lucky, you’ll wake up at 2:30p.m., having slept through your hangover. You’ll also now have enough time to tell yourself that you can get some work done before starting Saturday night’s festivities, but you’ll find any excuse to just save the bullshit work you have to get done for the next day. You know that Sunday’s already going to suck, so why let Saturday be about anything except for doing nothing?

I was extremely unsuccessful in getting back to sleep this morning, so I’ll now be attempting to nap for a couple hours because I’m kind of a lazy piece of shit. Oh well. Go Phils.

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Written by TFM

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