Matty Ice
The topic of nuclear conflict has been a never ending talking point since the 1940s. For the past three-quarters of a century, humanity has faced the threat of being blown to shit-dust by a ball of unstable metal that is no bigger than a bowling ball. How fucking lame is that? Mutually ensured destruction is so Cold War. It’s the 21st century and I firmly believe that a new standard of delivering ultimatums should be set in stone. Here are 4 ways we can make international conflicts hilarious.
1). My Dad Could Beat Up Your Dad
A true classic, there is nothing more humbling than when someone tells you that their dad could beat up your dad. Now, who would be the hypothetical “dad” of a nation? Is it their founder(s)? Is it their current head of state? No. The best way to find common ground in this scenario is every country’s goalkeeper from their national soccer team. Why? Because I make the rules, and frankly I think that seeing the lankiest dudes from each country hash it out would be hysterical.
2). Dior Sauvage Bombs
Picture this: You get a breaking news notification about North Korea. Concerned, you open the article to be greeted by a video of Kim Jong-Un with English subtitles. The subtitles read “we have developed a new weapon that can make millions of Americans smell like a Tampa night club.” A projector lowers behind him, on it a map of the United States with over a dozen major metropolitan targets. You immediately get flashbacks to high school lacrosse, when from the other side of the locker room a fucking Axe canister with rubber bands wrapped around it caused it to spray until it’s either out of juice or someone with big enough cahones throws it back, earning the Medal of Honor. Well guess what? Kim Jong-Un is Cody who played attack.
3). Zaza Circle
It’s a cold Tuesday morning at the United Nations Head Quarters in New York. Inside sits Biden, Zelensky, Putin, and Xi. In front of them is a pack of Menthol Swishers, a razor blade, and a half-ounce of Himalayan Petroleum Fracking Purp Stank. A Jamaican diplomat does the honor of crafting these four exotic chode doinks. The leaders have 3 minutes, and the one to finish the most of their juju in that timeframe gets ultimate say in how the war in Ukraine goes.
4). Psychological Warfare via Having a Well-Versed Homosexual Man Insult Them to Hurt Their Self-Esteem
I draw inspiration from that one South Park episode where Mr. Slave convinces President Garrison to nuke Denmark. However, there are no nukes in this equation.Whenever I ever need to roast the fuck out of someone, I will send a picture of them to one of my gay friends for them to craft the most immaculate, detailed insult that anyone could ever think of. Imagine once every few days, Greece picks their nation’s top LGBTQ citizens to flame the ever living tits out of Turkey. After about 6-7 rounds of getting verbally berated to the core, I would personally concede or propose diplomatic compromise.
