I recently got home from a weekend trip to Temple, and when I walked in to talk to one of my roommates, I was horrified to see him wearing blue light glasses. I of course did my duty as his friend and told him that he was a complete and total bitch, but unfortunately, I’m not around for everyone else who’s making the same dickhead mistake that he did. There are a lot of things that get me angry, but blue light glasses have become one of my least favorite parts of life up there with the RA that ripped down and threw away the women’s bathroom sign I had hanging on my door freshman year and Janice Soprano. I seriously just don’t understand why anyone would willingly spend their money on something that fucking pointless. Is it really that hard to go to Zoom classes during the day? We’re all sitting on our phones with our cameras off anyway, so let’s not pretend that a few hours of sleeping your way through class every day is really worth dropping twenty-five dollars on that garbage.
The worst part about the whole thing is that I’m 98% convinced that every girl who gets it is just trying to pull off the whole “sexy librarian look,” but every time I get a Snapchat from a girl wearing them, I feel like it angers me way too much that she has them to even come close to giving a fuck to how she looks wearing them. Don’t even get me started about the girl I know that wears blue light glasses ON TOP of her regular glasses. I just can’t even come close to telling you how absolutely idiotic I think that move is. And if you’re a guy, I really don’t even know what to say. How big of a pussy do you want your friends to think you are? You can’t just turn your laptop brightness down like a man? I mean Jesus Christ, just buy a box of tampons and a subscription to Vogue right now because the fact that you’re wearing them unironically tells me that’s what you need most at this point in your life. I don’t give a shit if you read about how they really help from some thirty-eight-year-old dork giving an Amazon Prime review: wearing them still makes you a loser.
There are a lot of things that anger me that I know will never change. People will always tell me that Hereditary is a good movie (even though it’s complete crap), and I don’t think that anyone is going to ever do something about the fact that Super Bowl Monday should be a national holiday. I’ve accepted that there’s no use in fighting these things, but I have to draw the line at some point. I’m fed up with blue light glasses, so this is a royal fuck you from me to everyone currently wearing them. Cry me a river about how hard it is for you to be on your computer all day Jessica. I know you’ll spend a minimum of nine hours this Friday night posting Snapchat stories of you and your “crackhead best friend” doing “hot girl shit,” so just get the fuck over it already.