Should You Get A Dog

Over the last few months, as my friends have been maturing, I’ve been hit with a lot of questions from kids wondering whether or not getting a dog is a good choice for them. And to be honest, for many people, it’s not. Here are some basic parameters you should consider before buying a living creature in an attempt to prove to a bi-sexual girl with silver hair that you have empathy:

Do you have enough money?

Whether or not you buy your dog, I don’t care. I’m not some adopt don’t shop psychopath that will turn into fucking Carnage because you wanted a certain breed of dog. I understand the concept of it; it’s great. But many people harassing celebrities online all day about the fact that they bought their dog seem like maybe THEY belong in a cage. Between food, toys, and more shots than someone walking into a methadone clinic, getting a dog is pricey. Suppose your bank account resembles any number that Carmelo Anthony has worn for multiple days a month, probably not a good idea to get a dog.

Would you be willing to adjust your living arrangements around your dog? 

You either need to live near a park, have a backyard, or be willing to walk at least an hour a day to have a happy, healthy dog. Once you’re responsible for an animal that you are in charge of keeping alive, your days of eating school buses like Flinstone vitamins and sleeping until 4:00 PM are over. You also have to think about your work schedule. Do you work remotely? Do you have a roommate that can let the dog out when you’re at work? I don’t want to sound like your fucking Mom, but there is nothing sadder than seeing a two-year-old dog skinnier than a god damn BBC documentary about cave people trying to get into the trash. 

Is This A Good Decision For Me?

If you struggle with anxiety, having something that will love you unconditionally and force you to get vitamin D is a fantastic thing. I’m not PETA over here, but the bond between a man and his dog is one of the most beautiful things life offers. When you’re having the worst day ever and you come home to a wagging tail that doesn’t care that you fucked up a spreadsheet or farted at the gym, it’s a dopamine release that edges out airport beef jerky or even getting a strippers number. If going to a music festival once a month brings you that joy, so be it, continue to do that. If advancing through the world of finance (something no other white guy has done before) brings you that joy, do that. But if it feels like the right time to get a dog, and you are willing to sacrifice a weekend or two in Vegas to throw a tennis ball around, I cannot recommend the decision enough. 

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