Six College Essentials For Freshmen

The summer is coming to a close which means college move-in is upon us. It’s the time of year where seniors are getting pumped for their last dance while freshmen shit themselves worried about getting a bid and losing their virginity. To achieve your goals for the semester, you need to pack properly. Here are six college essentials for incoming freshmen.

Shower Sandals

Whether you live in a dorm, frat house, or upscale apartment, your shower is bound to look like it belongs in a Waffle House bathroom by week 3. We all know that everyone pees in the shower, but trust me, way worse than goes on in there. Body fluids of all types will make it to the shower floor one way or another. I’m talking about any and all liquids (sometimes solids) being smeared directly next to the drain. I genuinely believe that if I didn’t wear shower shoes in my dorm freshman year my feet would have been amputated. I promise you, there will be at least one time your freshman year where you walk into a shower just to see reddish-brown blemishes splattered all over the walls and floor. You aren’t sure if it’s blood, mud, or even from a human, but one thing that is certain is it won’t be cleaned for weeks.

Bar Shoes

Bar shoes are similar to shower sandals in that they are worn on your feet and made to help protect your foot from contracting an STD. Just like how you want to avoid human excrement in the shower, you will need to do the same at bars, parties, and tailgates where it’s possible to find pools of vomit on the ground as well as ponds of beer mud (this is dirt that has been mixed with poured out Natty Lights to make a thick muddy sludge that coats the entirety of your shoe). While you want to avoid said puddles, inevitably sometimes you won’t. That’s where bar shoes come in. Bar shoes are meant to be cheap and gross enough to completely trash, while also being protective enough to keep your foot dry if you happen to step inadvertently into a mysterious liquid. Kind of like what you would pack if you were visiting New Orleans back in 2006. If that reference was too old for incoming freshman who were born in 2004 (fuck, I feel old), basically you’re just looking for a condom for your foot. I recommend Stan Smith’s, he was a great foot condom man.

A Real ID

At the bare minimum, you better have a fake ID. However, some bars on campuses are harder to get in than others. Even with the shittiest fake in the world you could get in some places, but to get in the best of the best you often need something more. Chances are you know someone who recently turned 21. It could be a cousin or a friend’s sibling or some random guy on Craigslist, but you can find someone who is a ripe 21. Ask them to get a new ID. It’s like $20, so venmo them $50 and not only will you save money, you will also have a fake significantly better than anything you could buy from IDGod. I promise it doesn’t matter what they look like. As long as they are the same skin color as you and you are confident when you’re asked your birthday, you have above a 50% chance of getting in. Yes, if caught you could be charged with identity theft, so don’t get caught. In case you do, always carry an emergency $100 bill to bribe the bouncer. If you don’t use it by the end of the night, spend it on womps. You deserve them.

Cool Jerseys

Freshman year you will be wearing a jersey about 30% of the time. They’re honestly good for all occasions until you’re a senior and people start wearing jeans (gross). Invest in some cool jerseys from DH Gate. The less people that have your jersey the cooler it is, so get creative. What’s most important is that you know which type of jersey guy you are. For instance, only people with biceps can wear basketball jerseys. Hockey jerseys are reserved for dudes that actually played in high school and now drink full cases like it’s nothing. The rest of us are left with football and baseball jerseys. Pro tip: baseball jerseys are significantly more aesthetically pleasing than football jerseys, especially for tubby fellas. They hid your nipples better.

A Good Bitmoji

You are going to meet a shit ton of people within your first few weeks at college. As long as you are somewhat social, odds are you will be adding people on snapchat like russian porn hackers. There will be multiple times you meet a random group of girls on the street only to exchange hometowns, dorms, and snapchats. From a pure numbers and alcohol standpoint, the girls won’t remember meeting you when you inevitably send them a drunken “wya” during welcome week. That said, it’s incredibly important you have a good looking bitmoji. I’m not saying a girl is gonna fuck you over your bitmoji, but she could not fuck you over it. Countless high schoolers have ridiculous bitmojis where they look like a dragon or make their skin purple. That’s not gonna go over well in college. Take it from me. My freshman year my bitmoji was an old arabic man. Of course, I am not an old arabic man. Thus, whenever a girl added me on snapchat, she would see a man with a gray beard and a turban and immediately block me. Let’s not make that a racial issue, she didn’t block me because she thought I was middle eastern, she blocked me because I was either old or really weird. She was right, I was really fucking weird. The point is, I didn’t get a single bitch freshman year welcome week. Sure, maybe there were bigger underlying problems than the bitmoji, but that definitely didn’t help.

A Drug Dealer

This one isn’t something you can pack, but more of a be on the look-out type of thing. When you get to campus you are going to interact with many sketchy figures looking to sell you things such as weed, coke, adderall, and sometimes more. You are going to want to choose the least sketchy person and ask them about pricing. I’m not going to get into what is good pricing and bad pricing right now, but if you think you are getting scummed, you are. On the flip side, if you think a deal is too good to be true, it is. What you want to do is find a normal dude that just so happens to have ADHD and a bunch of cocaine. Buy from him in bulk. You want to interact as few times as possible with drug dealers, so it’s best to buy a lot upfront. Drugs don’t go bad and you can always sell leftovers. At which point, you become the sketchy dude with loose pills in a Ziploc sandwich bag. Oh how the tables have turned.

Alex Becker

Written by Alex Becker

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