Six People That You Would Die For

TUNAS DE ZAZA, SANCTI SPIRITUS, CUBA - 2017/03/10: Alcoholism: Cuban senior man drinking rum in the afternoon. Rum is cheap in the Caribbean island. (Photo by Roberto Machado Noa/LightRocket via Getty Images)

People That Make Quizlets:

I don’t care if it was kind of reciprocal because she learns through typing things down, shadow_butterfly443, who made the “COM 2. Higgins Midterm” Quizlet I binge studied a month ago deserves an invitation to my wedding more than half of my goddamn friends. If I were to work my ass off on something that eighty-five percent of people were too lazy to do, I certainly would not share it with the world. Fuck you guys, figure it out yourselves. Luckily, there are better people than me out there. The media will tell you that George Soros is an exceptional person because he’s donated most of his fortune, but I’d argue the real hero is the girl that sat across from me with braces in my seventh-grade social studies class. If you’re a Quizlet creator, throw your god damn Venmo in the class GroupMe at the end of the semester. God bless you.

The Guy That Founded SportsSurge:

Two years ago, we watched all of the beloved subreddits where we found links to illegally stream random college football games disappear faster than a child that accuses a person of power of molesting them. And when the titans of industry we grew to know and love (RIP r/nbastreams) when we needed him most, a random guy that runs a website by the name of spread a message far and wide that he would be pooling his resources to create a website that catalogs the best illegal streams. As young adults without Cable, Roger Goodell will have to rip money out of our cold dead hands if he wants me to pay to watch America’s sport. 

The People That Made Us Realize Our Sexuality:

Maybe it was Halle Berry hotter than a cheesy-gordita-crunch on the Taco Bell menu at 2:17AM in a tight black suit, or Megan Fox pretending to know about cars as her crystal blue eyes made us toon out whatever information about cars she tried her best to recite, whoever it may be, there was somebody that made us realize that we liked girls. This isn’t even exclusive to straight guys either. I mean, fuck, sometimes I’ll be looking at Paul Walker while rewatching Fast and Furious and catch myself adding a rainbow flag to my Instagram bio. This person will always have a special place in your heart. 

The Guy That Showed You DHGate: 

The summer was 2016, and everybody and their mother stole their parents’ credit cards to order Jerseys off a Chinese wholesale website. Because my one friend showed me DHGate, I threw some of the most legendary fits known to man. John Stockton on the Jazz, Bo Jackson on Auburn baseball- I even once saw a kid wearing a Satchel Paige Kansas City Monarchs jersey (thank god he was lightskin). Since then, DHGate has been a staple in my life. From playing roulette buying five phone chargers that will most definitely destroy my phone, to continuously purchasing jerseys even though I’m way too old for that to be appropriate; DHGate is the Chinese version of Amazon where we don’t have to do a little song and dance to forget that the same big corporations that tweet #BLM out the ass exploit child labor. 

Your Friend’s Dad That You Can Tell Anything To:

 He’s always the man that knows a thing or two because he’s seen a thing or two. For me, he was my first call when I got arrested and the guy I text every time I have a pregnancy scare. Sure, his divorce might have implemented deep-rooted anxiety into your boy, and maybe he’s made some questionable decisions, but that’s where true wisdom comes from. If you murdered somebody, this is the only person you could confide in. 

Your Favorite Podcaster:

 I’ve listened to well over fifty podcasts in my day, and from those, I’ve been a regular listener of probably twenty. At some points in my life, I’ve loved podcasts that have talked about entrepreneurship and investing; at others, debauchery and ways to make a girl cum with a small penis. Some of these dudes have helped me and their fans more than they would ever know. The millions of listeners Tim Dillon sees on Spotify don’t accurately reflect the fact that myself and others have felt him to be the only thing to turn to in weighted moments of anxiety. I believe as a society, we need to be more conscious that our favorite podcast hosts are people like us, and it’s not appropriate to lash out at people that have already given us so much when an episode isn’t posted on time. Except for Tim Dillon. I want my fucking Sunday night episodes back.

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