Alex Becker
Happiness is a virtue. Honestly, I have no damn clue what that means. What I do know is that happiness as a dude is not easy. There are so many things that we desire to have. I’m not talking about a stable job or a hot girlfriend, I mean skills. Not stupid stuff like intelligence or being handsome. I’m talking about a Liam Nesson certain set of skills that prove we are in fact an alpha male. Here are six things all guys wish they were good at.
Lifting Heavy Objects
I don’t go to the gym very often. Mainly because I stick out like a cow in a horse stable, but also because it seems this generation’s preferred body type is that of Lizzo and I’m trying my best to be body positive. Kidding! I just hate doing cardio and love Twinkies. That said, even I wish I could bench 225. Now yes, 225 is a very capable bench for most men, but that’s just my benchmark goal. There are dudes out there that want to bench over 500 and all the respect towards them. I don’t know what it is about being strong, but I do know it isn’t even about looking good. If you ever watch the World’s Strongest Man contest, you will see absolute freight trains of men, but they are not your typical “jacked” bodybuilders. They instead look more like a combination of Moby Dick and Wario. They have low centers of gravity and strong enough teeth to pull a bus full of children. These dudes don’t care about how they look. They just want to be able to move anything and everything that is ever in their path. Honestly, that’s all any of us really want.
Golf
Dudes that don’t even golf wish they were good at golf. It’s a game that doesn’t really prove anything like strength or athleticism, but just that you practice. While you do go out and bet your buddies on a round of 18, every golfer is pretty much just playing against themselves. We want to be the best that we can, but at the same time we will never be good enough. We are aware that getting good at golf won’t change a damn thing about our lives or how people view us, but at the end of the day it changes how much we respect ourselves. If a dude goes out and plays a round completely on his own, it can alter his week. A good game and you feel like a king. A bad game and you wish you never existed. Again, can I explain why putting a small ball in what feels like an even smaller hole matters for our confidence? Nope, but it does and that’s just the way it is.
Eating a lot of food
No man wants to be fat, many of us don’t care if we are or not, but no one really wishes for it to happen. However, we all wish we could eat a huge chunk of beef. Something about devouring food just excites a man. It brings out our masculinity. We prove to the world and the entire ecosystem that we as man are not a force to be reckoned with. Even if it isn’t meat, just stuffing our faces with loads of consumption gives us the feeling of power. You know when a guy goes to dinner with a woman and she gets a salad and the dude feels the need to make a comment like “really? That isn’t a meal.” That isn’t because we hate salads (I mean, I personally do), but because we feel that you are wasting your privilege at the top of the food chain. We like to eat things that show off our hard work as humans. That we have evolved over time. That we are the kings of the jungle. And the only way to properly do so, is to eat way more food than nutritionally necessary.
Drunk Driving
Okay, here me out. Driving drunk is bad. You shouldn’t do it and it’s dangerous. That said, as dudes, it’s pretty cool to prove you can do something that the government says you can’t. It’s like sneaking toothpaste through TSA or bringing your own food into a movie theater. Things that are forbidden just feel so freeing. Also it makes driving feel like a video game and who doesn’t love video games when they’re plastered?
Being fast
As the legendary Ricky Bobby once said, “I wanna go fast, I wanna go fast, I wanna go fast.” Wise words. I have never been a fast person and I truly believe that has impacted my life. Being fast makes you cool in elementary school. It makes you athletic in middle school. And then by the time you get to high school, the fast kids are the popular varsity athletes that get all the girls. It is ingrained in our heads as guys that being fast is the key to being successful. Is this logical? No. Do I take back what I said about wanting to go fast? Also no.
Ping Pong
Men will always be competitive. As you age, traditional sports like basketball and football become more strenuous, tiring, and overall just plain difficult. However, ping pong will always remain. If you think there is a more competitive game than ping pong, you are simply mistaken. It is a game that generations of men from all over the world have devoted time to getting better at. Unlike golf, you are not playing against yourself and must defeat your opponent. If you do not, you bring dishonor to those who came before you. That is why men take such pride in their ping pong abilities. Grown men will argue amongst themselves who is the best before even picking up a paddle. It is a game where fully matured adults will try as hard as they can to beat children because, as I said, losing brings dishonor. It may be the asian origin of the game or it could be its simplicity, but whatever the cause, ping pong is by far the most respected skill a true gentleman could possess.
